Accountability

Accountability equals life saver. Seriously. Since being back into the folds of Christianity after straying for YEARS, the concept of accountability has been discussed about a million times. “Get an accountability partner!” Hmm, that was always a head scratcher in the beginning because I had never heard of accountability before. Now, I don’t know what I would do without it.

Accountability is basically your checks and balance people. People that don’t mind asking you the tough questions about your life, your spiritual growth, your relationship, your finances, your everything. These are the people you allow into your life to help keep you on the straight and narrow. When I think “straight and narrow,” I always remember that passage in Matthew 7:13-14 that says “Enter through the narrow gate. For wide is the gate and broad is the road that leads to destruction, and many enter through it. But small is the gate and narrow the road that leads to life, and only a few find it.” Your accountability circle are the people whose job is to keep you from going through that wide gate of destruction.

I always laugh at myself and say “I’m just one Friday night away from being back in the world.” I wouldn’t go that far and say I am that much of a fence straddler but I do know my weakness and I know what seasons I am in. Right now, I am in some what of a “I wouldn’t mind a nice company keeper, but I am not willing to sacrifice my relationship with God for that company either.” That little twinge of loneliness is there which can totally open up a door for the enemy to slip in and wreck shop. He has done it a million times before, so I know he is forever busy. But luckily, I have been blessed with a circle of people that I can call, text, email, Facebook, whatever, to keep me from having those psycho moments.

My friend, Diana and I went out for coffee tonight and as always, we discuss life, relationships, friends, and of course Jesus. She warmed my heart when she said that she knows that I will always let someone know when I have a moment of weakness because I am quick to text her to talk me off the psycho bridge. I laughed cause for a hot minute, I thought Diana would say after about the 10th crazy text that week, that I seriously need to get my life together. But no, she welcomes it. She appreciates my honest spirit and the fact that I do rely on my accountability people. I don’t try to be Superwoman and deal with life on my own. I recognize my weakness and instead of operating in the flesh, I submit those issues to God and still confess those issues to those that will quickly check me.

So often we surround ourselves with our resident “yes people.” We only share things with people who we know are going to tell us what we want to hear. Not my friends! Heather has told me plenty of times that I need to get my act together and vice versa. Diana will joke with me but she is always real. She wont let me read too much into a simple situation and wont let me allow my crazy little mind to wander too much.

I am thankful to be under leadership that encourages accountability. I have seen the fruits of allowing someone into your life and keeping that transparency and I have also seen the pitfalls of people that still want to keep their life to themselves. I often struggle with accountability and courtship when it comes to meeting someone that doesn’t attend Victory. Out of all the churches I have visited and people that I know attend other churches, the idea of accountability and courtship sound like foreign practices. Having to explain the fact that I am not having sex before marriage, I will have to “report” my relationship to my leaders and get that green light before entering into a courtship, not to mention allowing them to have access to our lives, challenging us, keeping an eye on us, dating in groups, etc…yeah, I can see the men running for the hills. As ackward as it may sound to someone who isn’t taught accountability, that has been one of those litmus tests I use when meeting someone. If they frown up at keeping our relationship pure before God, getting wisdom and advice from a married accountability couple, having their own personal accountability, basically having a plan and purpose for us and sharing that with someone else, then that’s not some I need to be with anyway. What’s done in the dark will always come out in the light.

Iron Sharpens Iron

Tonight was truly a night to remember and a night to cherish. My small group leader, Taina, decided to host a small, intimate event for the single moms she knew. I usually don’t care for single mom oriented stuff because it usually ends up being a “man bashing, I need to find a man” session. This was truly special and I am so grateful for her in so many ways.

I have been struggling a bit emotionally in the single mom area. Puberty is hitting, Aiden is becoming more strong willed by the day, everyone is getting married and seem so much more “blessed” than I am. I know I have lots of single mom friends and we have exchanged our tears and inspirations with each other, but being able to hear the testimony of someone I don’t know who has been where I am and see the fruit of their labor and the power of God is absolutely wonderful.

I was in tears as Cindy shared her testimony because I saw me in it. Abuse, teen mom, abandonment, generational curses, falling for someone for all the wrong reasons, living with a boyfriend. All me too. But it was so amazing to see how God had real Godly people speaking life into her and her boyfriend and them making the responsible decision to follow His word. Stories like that show me that although things seem tough and sometimes hopeless, He truly does honor the desires of our hearts and in His own time, He makes all things work together for our good.

Leah blew me away with her wisdom and transparency. Just hearing her story was almost like getting confirmation that some of the decisions that I have made were not totally crazy, though some people thought they were. Me choosing to remain patient and follow God’s command with the whole Ryan situation wasn’t easy but I knew there was a purpose for it. Me not going to court and allowing us to try to work things out as amicably as possible for was for a reason. Me always making sure I remembered that Aiden was the bigger picture and not our hurt feelings was for a purpose. I still get little “God winks” as Leah calls them. That is God’s way of showing me that despite how I see things, He is still moving on my behalf. Though Ryan and his wife give the perception of things being picture perfect, God allows for Ryan to have his brief moments of transparency and I see that his life is not all that he makes people believe. I can hear the disappointment and hurt in his voice when Aiden doesn’t want to talk with him and it does break my heart. But at the same time, he is dealing with the consequences of his decision to allow his relationship with Aiden to be put on the back burner.

I am proud of myself for speaking up with the two thoughts that I had on my mind. One was following God instead of making decisions that others think are best for me and the other was about being patient in waiting for my husband. Me speaking up was TRULY a big step for me and its because God is working on me being more transparent. He is placing people in my life for me to learn from and have life poured into me but I have to be willing to share bits of myself with those people and all of it with God. It’s so funny that Leah prayed over me and said God gave her a word about me giving Him my all. Giving God all of me and being totally dependent on Him and Him alone. I was floored because that’s exactly what I struggle with. Man, He is always right there speaking. Even Taina spoke a word about putting yourself in the path with people that are higher thinkers, not like minded thinkers. Put yourself with people who have been there, done that and can speak from experience, not people that are walking the same path as you because what can you learn from that?

Iron truly sharpens iron. Those that have been there and those that are still there have provided me with some knowledge beyond my imagination. I am so thankful for my Victory family and my community of believers that don’t mind calling me out on my crap. People that don’t mind holding me accountable and asking those hard questions. People that I can share my fears and concerns with and have them teach me how to speak blessings over my life, my family, my future. God is definitely moving, in more ways than one.

So In Love…

I fell in love tonight. I fell in love with a man that has loved me for as long as I can remember. A man that loved me through my imperfections, my doubt, my sin, my shame, my smiles, my tears. He stood and watched as I made mistake after mistake but never let go of my hand. He has smiled at the thought of me even when I was far from him. My name has been etched in his heart and his hand even when I felt unworthy to even call his name. I fell in love with my Savior tonight. I fell in love with Jesus all over again.

Tonight was a special night for me. After weeks of feeling disconnected, a little ashamed and a bit guilty, Jesus sang right to my heart and reminded me that I really do make Him happy. I’ve sang those words in worship a hundred times but tonight, my Savior sang to me, laughed with me, rejoiced with me and shed tears with me. I really do make Him happy. Me, a sinner, is loved and cherished by the Creator of this world. I believe my heart has finally caught up with my mind.

He rejoiced with me last night when I got a random email from an old high school friend I prayed for back in June. She thanked me for my prayers and told me that she was finally free from an abusive relationship and has come to embrace the love of God. He is faithful, forever faithful. A prayer that I uttered to myself during the heat of the summer, on a church bus, during the chaos of S2S, He remembered. How amazing and comforting is that? He is paving the way for me to be in the position to lead others, a desire I have had for a while and a command He spoke over me months ago. He truly cherishes and fulfills the desires of my heart, even when I think He may have forgotten. He is truly the lover of my soul.

I am in love with my Savior and He has always been in love with me. My natural mind cannot even begin to comprehend His infinite love, His burning desire and delight for me. My name is written on the palm of His hand in gold. I am my Beloved’s and He is mine. Come dance with me, lover of my soul, to the song of all songs. Yeah, tonight was good and there is so much more to come.

25 Things about Me

I would like to think I am probably one of the lamest people around. No, seriously. I think my life is rather average, nothing really exciting going on right now, pretty routine. Now do I like that? Absolutely NOT!! So ready for a change of pace, something to shake things up. So I decided to see if I can come up with 25 interesting things about me. Here goes.

1. I was born in a car. Yes, I was born in a Buick La Sabre on a hot summer day in June. My godmother, Frances Washington delivered my in the back of the car, which is why my name is Frances instead of Tamika. Kinda glad too.

2. I love burnt popcorn. I don’t know if that is interesting or not but I think it’s one of those quirky things people tend to keep to themselves. Whenever I make microwaved popcorn, I purposefully leave it in too long and I always have to run outside to open the bag so the house doesn’t smell.

3. I am a parent who feels rather clueless some days about being a parent. I don’t think I am a bad parent, but I am to the point where I can admit, I don’t have all the answers and I don’t always know what I am doing. Most days, I hope the kids get through the day in one piece.

4. I absolutely love Jesus. I guess this should be first but I am just going off the top of my head. I often feel pretty new to being a true follower of Christ and still feel rather wet behind the ears. My small group leader gave me the biggest boost of confidence when she suggested I be a mentor next year. Guess I am maturing in the Spirit after all.

5. I don’t always trust God. Right now, me and God are not really on the best speaking terms. I’m not mad at Him and He definitely isn’t mad at me. I’m just having a tough time really trusting Him to be my all. Totally my own hang up and I am working through it.

6. Some days, I get so depressed I don’t even want to get out of bed…and I don’t. I was diagnosed with Clinical Depression back in 2003. Did the whole counseling and Prozac thing for a while. I do have rare times where life seems to gets the best of me and really leaves me empty. I’ve learned the whole mind over matter thing and now I simply turn my cares over to God. Even with all that, some days, I do just need some hours to recharge and regroup. I have realized that when I get to that point, God is really telling me to slow down. After a day of rest, I am back on the grind.

7. There are days when I miss Ryan. I am happy that he has this new chapter in his life, but I am fearful of the decisions that he makes because I know they are not always his. I know God totally spared me from him because He knew that Ryan was not His best for me and for that I am grateful. But I do miss my friend Ryan, not boyfriend Ryan. We share some of the happiest times I can remember and he was there during many of my darkest days. Part of me always thought he and I would finally get our act together and make it work but the bigger part of me knew that was not the right path.

8. I have slept with married men. There was Tyran, who I had no clue was married. He taught me that some married me do cheat and cheat often with no remorse. There was Joshua, the part of my past that still makes me smile to this day. Not the cheating part but just what we shared when we were kids. Looking back, he and I had the strongest soul tie that took the longest to break. We made the mistake of giving into temptation which was truly a once in a life time chance. And there was Maurice, again, had no clue he was married. When we met, I knew he had a girlfriend and back then, that really wasn’t that big of a deal to me. Encountering him again out of the blue 2 years later, the girlfriend had been upgraded to wife. Didn’t realize that until he forgot to take off his wedding ring before he came over. He was the breaking point that I brought myself to before I knew God needed to seriously intervene in my life. Haven’t been with anyone since Maurice. December 28, 2010 will be one year celibate.

9. I sometimes think that I may never get married. I am always being told that God has the perfect mate for me. I should wait and be patient and keep my focus on God and my husband will find me. Patience isn’t my strongest trait but I am learning how to be patient. Am I supposed to sit back and wait or am I supposed to go out and make myself available so that I can be found? I could go on and on on this one.

10. I have a fear of frogs. I mean a terrifying, panic attack inducing fear of frogs. I don’t even know where this fear came from but it is absolutely ridiculous.

11. My favorite movie the world is Who Framed Roger Rabbit? Corny I know but it was the very first movie I saw in the movie theater when I was in the second grade.

12. I am a bit of a nerd. I love reading and have finally gotten my passion for writing back. I had a wicked case of writers block for 10 years so here I am. I am my own worst critic and never really think I am any good at it. Barnes and Noble is like my own little piece of Heaven on Earth.

13. I have developed a heart for sex trafficking victims and sometimes wish I could save them all. I have to remind myself that my job isn’t to save the world but to help train up our Father’s army to help change the world.

14. I have an absolute fear of public speaking. I do not like speaking in front of people at all. This is more of a hindrance on what I ultimately want to do in the near future which is lead a small group. God is slowly working on me to release my fear but it’s a work in progress. It’s funny because people think I am so social and outgoing when I really am not!

15. I secretly love to cook but usually don’t have time nor budget to really cook like I want to. I am addicted to Food Network and the Cooking Channel. Unfortunately, I have picky children who would rather eat hot dogs and tacos everyday as opposed to a full meal.

16. I actually don’t have very many regrets in my life. My life has been filled with heartache and triumph but I don’t think I would actually trade my experiences for anyone else’s.

17. I have not had sex since December 28, 2009 and I have not had a boyfriend in a year and a half. This is the longest time for both of those for me but this has been the most freeing and rewarding season in my life. Letting go of sex wasn’t as hard as I thought it would be since it was already something I had detached myself from mentally a long time ago, just not physically. Not having companionship has been the hard part but that just meant I needed to learn to lean on my Savior more. Enjoying the ride.

18. I don’t have a very good relationship with my mother or my grandmother. I can see how the generational curse is evident in my family and I am not quite sure how to break that. My mother has not always been the best mother and has her own demons she is battling. My grandmother has always been one for pointing out the bad in everything instead of find something good. I often thank God for softening and transforming my heart so that I don’t walk in their footsteps.

19. God answer my prayers in a big way in 2006. I was pregnant with my son Aiden and I asked God to keep my great grandmother Elizabeth alive long enough so she could meet him. She wasn’t ill or anything, just old. She was born in 1906, so I knew she wasn’t gonna be around too much longer. I felt like, if she didn’t meet Aiden, my world just wouldn’t be right and I would have completely lost it. My brother, sister and I all had babies that summer. Caury was born June 9, Kameron was born August 3 and Aiden was born September 19. My great grandmother died on December 9, 2006. She got to see all of the great great grand kids before she died. I think because I know God let her hold on as long as she did, I was able to handle her death a lot better than expected.

20. I think God is calling me to work with sex abuse victims. I have always heard that your purpose can be rooted in your pain. As a survivor of sexual abuse, I can see that (first time mentioning this. Wow). I sometimes wonder if I was one of the lucky ones whose life was semi-spared from the jacked up reality a lot of kids face after suffering from abuse. I was caught up in the spirit of sexual sin for years but thankfully, Christ has freed me from that strong hold as well as showing me a love that transcends all understanding. I am no different from the victims that still battle demons, just a bit more healed and renewed.

21. I don’t really know if I want more kids. Having a kid at 17, then another at 25 kinda has me jaded. Real talk. I’ve been a parent for 12 years and after doing it alone for so long, I think I am tired. Of course this is me speaking without the thought of marriage entering the equation. If I ever get married, that tune will probably change but I would need to be reassured and convinced that we both are in for the long haul. Divorce is real and being a single mom with more kids just isn’t something I am envisioning.

22. I want to be a missionary. As crazy as it sounds, I really do. Traveling to foreign countries spreading the gospel seems astounding. Never even been on one mission trip (hoping for Peru in 2011) but for some reason, I have this strong desire to be in the mission field.

23. I want to be a writer full time. I have always loved writing but being a teen mom kinda makes you be a bit more realistic with your career aspirations. I put my dream on a permanent hold and sometimes wonder if I had a different path in life, what kind of books would I have written. Now I am a lover of the mind and helping the wounded well with counseling, but I think more writing is on the horizon.

24. I absolutely love Victory World Church and Fusion. That church and that ministry have literally saved my life. I truly don’t know where I would be had I not taken that leap and come to Victory. I know God is totally working in my favor to restore what has been broken and give me this amazingly abundant life. I have found some of the most amazing friends and developed a community that keeps me on my toes and just in awe of God’s power.

25. I think I am a pretty good friend. My longest friendship has been going 16 years strong and Kisha and I still talk every day like we live right around the corner. I cherish my friends dearly and I am so grateful God is placing more and more people in my life to keep me grounded and sane. From the people I met in Jr. High school to the new faces I meet every week, I am grateful.

I actually didn’t think I could come up with 25 things. Guess when I stopped trying to follow a formula and just started being real, I was able to be more transparent and real with myself. Blogging is so therapeutic.

My Latest Revelation

I must admit that I am going through a rather disconnected time right now. Not sure what it’s about but I think its more so me being stubborn and not being obedient to what God has already told me I need to do. My prayer life and Bible reading has kinda been on the back burner which sucks. Common sense tells me that I know the solution to my problem but oddly enough, I just can’t seem to will myself to get it together. Luckily, my life isn’t in shambles, spiraling out of control, but it could definitely use a spiritual tune up. I kinda think I am holding myself back because of fear, shame and guilt for various reason but that’s for another post. One of those “I don’t even feel like I am worthy to be in God’s presence” type of hindrance. I know He loves and delights in me despite all my hang ups and sin but I am still waiting on my heart to catch up with my head.

Last week was kind of a week of revelations on relationships and matters of the heart. I must confess that sometimes the crazy spirit of loneliness gets the best of me. Not to the point where I am completely out of control, reverting back to my BC days (before Christ) but strong enough for me to recognize that I am not that far removed from that past life. No, I wont go out and have sex with an ex, nor will I give in and settle for the next guy that thinks I am cute because I am slightly jealous that most of my friends are dating, engaged, or married. What I have realized is that I can honestly admit that I do get lonely, I would like to have my Earthly companion, and I can honestly admit that sometimes I wonder if my relationship with my Heavenly Father is enough to sustain me. My biggest “AH HA” moment of last week: I am not alone.

A Facebook friend decided to be transparent and reveal that she felt a bit lonely because all of her friends were coupled up. I could totally relate to her. The saving grace to all the responses was a post from another FB friend that is currently married but knew all to well the lonely “has God forgotten about me?” feeling all singles go through. She mentioned how she took a hard look at her life, her time, her finances, her commitment to Jesus and realized that she was not prepared for a Godly relationship. I had that same revelation a while ago. I always say I am a work in progress, but I truly know I am no where near where I need to be. Truth time: I have lost my focus in school right when I am close to finishing, I need to get my finances in serious order, Jesus isn’t quite #1 in my life, I still have emotional wounds that need to heal and a host of other things. It would be totally unfair to expect someone to take on all of me in my broken state and me still want them to be whole and healed. Just like I am no one’s Savior, no one can be mine. It’s no one’s job to fix me except Jesus.

I’m actually okay with leaving it up to God to make me whole and healed but my own fleshly impatience gets in the way. He constantly reminds me of “what He saved me from” when I start to think about past relationships that have failed or that I walked away from. Even when I long for what others have, He shows me that what glitters isn’t always gold. Heather left the most profound mark on my heart when she said that God spoke to her about covenants. He said that before we can appreciate the covenant that we will have with our Earthly husbands, we have to appreciate the covenant that we have with Him. That’s real talk. If I can’t say with certainty and confidence that Jesus is my Savior and my sustainer, then I am in no position to be any one’s girlfriend or wife. Anything less than my total focus on Jesus leaves way for distraction and temptation from the world. Am I there yet? Nope but I am working on it.

I am still toying with the idea of a contract or “covenant” with God so that He can breathe a bit of life back into our relationship. Not sure what it would look like in its entirety but fasting and prayer is definitely key. Think God is up to something with this whole “what is a wife” thing and talk of covenant. Preparation for something great is on the horizon. Maybe this weekend trip to the mountains is what I need to get my head clear, free from distractions and worry. I think once I start getting my thoughts and feeling together, fast and draw closer to my Father, and allow Him to speak right to my heart will make all this stuff make sense.

Day 12: What Do You Crave?

“My soul is starved and hungry, ravenous!-insatiable for your nourishing commands.” Psalm 119:20 (MSG)

In early 2009, I began having this weird longing to go back to church. Now mind you, I had been in GA since 2000 and could count on one hand how many times I had been to church. Once I left Mississippi and the routine of going to church every Sunday, I started doing my own thing. I was new to the state and finding a church just was not on my radar. I would sometimes feel bad for not going to church but never convicted enough to do something about it. However, that longing, that craving, that thirst for God started to get very strong. I found myself obsessing over church websites trying to figure out where I was supposed to go but could never step out on faith and make the move. This was always when me and Ryan started having our break down in communication and in hindsight, I believe God was calling me back to Him to prepare me for the trials that were coming soon. He was still pursuing me even after living outside His will for almost a decade. He was still in love with me even when I allowed an atheist to shake what little faith and understanding I had of Him. He still desired me even when I denied Him…and then I ended up craving Him.

I still remember coming to Victory in August 2009, just a few weeks after having my first encounter with God. That overwhelming craving for God was at its peak and I didn’t know what to do with it. When God spoke to me that night in July and told me that “this is not who you are.” I surrendered to Him right there and that craving started to become satisfied. I was so overwhelmed with Him presence and my brokenness, that I had a panic attack. A couple of weeks later, I was at my first service at Victory and felt the weight of the world lift off my shoulders. I was home and God was glad to see me.

I crave to always have that feeling of satisfaction and overwhelming presence of God but in all reality, I don’t. I don’t always have these supernatural experiences where God speaks clear as day or that I am just baptized in the Holy Spirit every time I call on Him. But I crave those days. I crave God’s attention and affection. I long to please Him and follow His commands. I long to share His love with others. But does all of that happen on the regular? Nope, because usually my life is crowded with junk and distractions. I spend too much time worrying about “minor” issues, on the Internet, watching TV (or catching up usually), running errands, raising kids, being a friend, sister, counselor, life coach, leader, etc, that I don’t always leave time for God. I worry that there is not enough hours in the day when there is plenty of time but only one of me. Even in all the chaos, God still wants His time.

I miss that season of craving God and His presence. Not that I don’t long for Him now because I do desire to keep drawing closer to Him. But that overwhelming, tangible craving to be with Him is not always there. One of my main desires is to continue to grow more with Him and press forward in this spiritual journey. I have been feeling rather bored with sameness and it’s because I feel stagnant. I need something, I need God. I need Him to shake things up for me, to give me boldness to speak of His love to strangers, to “step up and lead” as He has called me to do. So why haven’t I done these things? Because I let other things get in the way of that passion that I should have for the King. When I am worried about the kids health, I am not trusting that He is a healer and that I should have no fear. When I am worrying about money, I am not trusting that He is a provider. When I am wasting time on foolishness, I am not giving God His glory and filling my time with things that please Him.

Wow, just had a revelation. I have needed a break from sameness and something new to do with my life. I’ve been asked to do some work with a friend’s ministry which I am happy to do. This would be pleasing to God, this will be a way to grow with others and reach out to God’s lost and hurting. My excitement and thirst to do more for the Kingdom is growing and this just might be the outlet I need to be creative and allow God to use me.

Day 11: Free Thinking

“For the Lord is the Spirit, and wherever the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom. So all of us who have had that veil removed can see and reflect the glory of the Lord. And the Lord—who is the Spirit—makes us more and more like him as we are changed into his glorious image.” 1 Corinthians 3:17-18 NLT

I love the fact that through Jesus, I have been set free. Free of everything. Freedom from sin, freedom from condemnation, freedom from the world. I still have to remind myself to stay pure in my thoughts and in my intentions so that I can remain free from the bondage of sin. I don’t see movies or televisions shows the way I used to. I find myself turning from shows that have sex scenes in it and refrain from some movies all together. I was rather proud of myself for not seeing Takers because I am pretty sure it was filled with sex, drugs, and sin. Why be accepting of the very sins that Jesus died to save me from? That has been one of those eye opening revelations I have had lately. When you think of things in the world with that prospective, it makes it harder to do and view things that you once did.

I try not to make my walk with Christ a list of rules and restrictions. I sometimes get disappointed when I know I am not living up to God’s expectations of me but I have to remember that I am going to fall short of God’s glory…many, many times again. He doesn’t expect me to be perfect which is why He supplies me with ample grace and mercy each new day. He just wants me to have pure thoughts and intentions. A clean heart and a clean mind. Free from things that can keep me bound and far from Him.

Yeah, it does suck to have to forfeit some of my favorite shows, movies, or music but the less and less I expose myself to those things, the cleaner my spirit becomes. After a while, it doesn’t even bother me anymore because I know that my restraint is pleasing to my Savior. My intention is to please Him and not my flesh so the sacrifice is very much well worth it.

I know there are still areas of my life that need to be completely free from. I am still working on allowing God to be my fulfillment and not long for an Earthly companion (who doesn’t!). However, I do know that me settling for anything less than God’s best is not an option which I know is pleasing to Him as well. This is my period of reconstruction and molding. My “in the course of time” period with just me and Jesus. I also know I need to set myself free from thinking that I need to be in control of what happens in my life and the life of others. God has totally revealed that I cannot be any one’s Savior and it’s not my job to save the world. It hurts to see friends and family struggling with sin, shame and guilt but at the end of the day, my salvation is not theirs. My devotion to God is not their devotion. My testimony is not their answer. Each person has their own gift of salvation and has to answer to God for the sin and shame in their lives. My story can be a reflection of God’s grace and power, but the people I encounter have to make their own decision to follow Him and to live out His commandment and turn against sin.

I look back on my life then and now and know that the shackles of sin have been removed. I am free to live under God’s covering and have been giving power and authority to keep myself free and to help free others. For that I am thankful.

In The Course of Time

God’s timing is perfect and ours suck. Words to live by. Last night’s message from Johnson was very much on point. He spoke on what to do in the time between God responses to your prayers and when He delivers on His promise. He referenced the story in 1 Samuel about Hannah longing for a child and pouring her heart out to God. Eli heard her fervent prayers and told her to go in peace and prayed that God would grant her request. She dried her eyes and ate something and was no longer sad. 1 Samuel 1:20 stated that “in the course of time” Hannah became pregnant and gave birth to Samuel. How long is in the course of time? The Bible was very vague about how much time had passed from the time she said her prayer until the time that God delivered on her request. It could have been months, years, or decades but He was faithful and His timing was perfect.

So what do we do during out “in the course of time” period? For me, I am impatient, sometimes frustrated and doubtful. Sometimes I spend those times talking at God than praying to Him with a spirit of thanksgiving and praise. I wonder “why am I still single?” or “why haven’t you shown me your purpose for me?” or “why am I still enduring this issue with Ryan?” or “why do I feel stuck sometimes?” I spend so much time worrying about whether or not God is moving the way I want Him to and in my time, that I miss out on the scenery that He has provided. I had that revelation a few weeks ago when I was plagued with distractions. I was so busy focusing on what were really minor issues (Ryan and our issues) instead of focusing on major issues (focusing on showing the love of Jesus to others). The enemy is very clever when he wants to knock us off God’s plan. He just throws a couple of small things in our midst and watch us panic and not keep our eyes on God and His faithfulness. He allows those of seeds of doubt to creep into our head when we are impatient about God’s timing. We start to wonder “where is God” in the midst of all the chaos. But God is always right there. He has promised to never forsake us and He is definitely a man of His word.

I am learning to live in the right now and not worry so much about tomorrow. Matthew 6:34 says “Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.” I need not worry about the next stage of my life because that’s all in God’s hands. He reveals things to me in His own time which has always proven to be perfect. If I keep focusing what comes next, I will miss all the glorious things that He has laid before me right now. I need to use this “in the course of time” period to stay committed to Him and uplifting His Kingdom. Maintain my servant’s heart and not miss out on opportunities to share His love because I am too busy focusing on the finish line. God is always at my side. I might not feel His presence but I know He has not left me. In a time of crisis or in a time of joy, He is still worthy or praise.

Slow down and smell the roses.

Getting Prepared

So for the past couple of days I have been obsessing with recipes. Weird I know. I do enjoy cooking at times, but over the years, it has become more of a chore than something fun and exciting. But oddly enough, I have been obsessed with cooking and trying new dishes. I’ve been pulling out old cookbooks, surfing food websites and blogs, you name it. So not like me. While looking for recipes, I keep getting this overwhelming feeling of needing to be prepared. Needing to have my arsenal of meals and dishes in my head, ready at a moments notice.

Another oddity: coupons and budgets. Now, I am not a coupon clipper by any means. I remember watching my mom clip coupons for hours on Sundays and then organize them in her little plastic accordian looking holder. Never thought it was worth the effort. Now, I am fasinated by the stragies and the amazing amount of savings if you know how to do them right. Budgets have usually equated to me making sure my check can stretch until the next check comes with no surprises. Now, I fret over savings accounts, cutting costs and getting the most bang for my buck. This being an adult thing is no joke.

I think God is preparing me. Not quite sure for what but these new found interests that seem to have come over night kinda give me peace and comfort. The same peace and comfort I get when I am obedient to what He would have me do. I am actually beyond excited about making this Mexican cheese dip and guacamole for Taco Tuesday (a weekly tradition in my home). Never been this excited for Taco Tuesday!

Day 7: Removing the Mask

“Watch yourselves carefully so you don’t get contaminated with Pharisee yeast, Pharisee phoniness. You can’t keep your true self hidden forever; before long you’ll be exposed. You can’t hide behind a religious mask forever; sooner or later the mask will slip and your true face will be known. You can’t whisper one thing in private and preach the opposite in public” Luke 12:1-3

Ahh removing the mask. This is something I think I still struggle with. Removing the mask. For years, I have mastered keeping the smile on my face and not wearing my emotions on my sleeve. I learned to internalize my feelings until it almost drove me crazy. I mean popping Prozac, lying on a therapist couch crazy. I was living inside my head and couldn’t find a way to escape. A bad relationship, poor family support and just the stress of every day life will do that to you. In hindsight, I can see a million things I did wrong, but I couldn’t see them then.

Fast forward about 8 or 9 years and I know I am in a far better place than I was then, but the mask is still there. I still don’t let people really see my hurts and struggles. I guess that’s why people always think I have it together. So not the case. There are days when my emotions are so raw that it takes everything in me to get out of bed. I no longer have the need to medicate (yeah I popped prescription pills to sleep) the pain away, but sometimes the need to “check out mentally” is still there. I don’t answer the phone and I don’t entertain other people’s problems when I am having my own moods. I allow myself to be the center of attention for a change.

I have tried to go to friends with my problems but 9 times out of 10, people don’t listen. They tend to hear snippets of what you are saying and relate it to their own situations. Before long, the tides have changed and the focus is on them. I can say I do have a select few that I know I can go to in a time of crisis and know that the spotlight will solely be on me. Sometimes, we aren’t looking for definitive answers, just a listening ear and to know someone really does care.

For a while now, God has been working on me to get me to a point where in a time of crisis, I only go to Him. It happened a few weeks ago when I found myself crying in the stairwell at work. I couldn’t bring myself to call or text anyone cause I knew I would only be distracting myself and not dealing with the problem head on. In those moments, it was just me and God in that stairwell. I needed Him to be my comforter and He was. After a few minutes, I was crying tears of joy and praises to Him, simply for His promise to never forsake me and to always love me. His promises hold true, no matter what the circumstance.

I am learning to remove my mask and be honest and vulnerable with Him. It’s not easy to admit that I am sometimes frustrated with Him or that I can’t always hear Him or that the trials are too much for me to bear. Sometimes its hard to let Him know that I do get overwhelmed, that I do get lonely, that I do lose faith. I am learning that when people ask me what’s going on in my life, that it’s ok to be honest. It’s okay to admit to my small group leader that some days I feel overwhelmed or that I have issues going on that I think will never get resolved. My excuse is always “they wont understand” or “someone else has a bigger problem that needs their attention.” I have to remind myself that they really do care, that God has place people in my path to help me through the tough times. He doesn’t want me to continue wearing a mask. He wants me to be open, honest, and vulnerable.

Lesson of the day: God calls you to walk consistently, allowing your actions to mirror what’s going on in your heart. Get rid of the mask and be real with God, yourself and others. I think I am going to challenge myself this week to be honest with people when they ask me how I am doing. Taking baby steps to start removing the mask.