Counting The Cost

You ever have those days where you wonder if something is really worth it? If the track that you are on is really worth the effort and trouble? I had one of those moments recently where for a brief moment, I wondered if this whole Christ thing, if this whole leading 20 somethings was even worth it. It wasn’t that I was struggling with sexual sin or wanted to revert back to my BC (before Christ) days or anything like that. I came face to face with the reality of just how hard being a follower of Christ really is. When I gave Him my ashes in exchange for His beauty, I never thought I would have to make some of the decisions that I’ve had to make. Giving up sex was easy. Turning away from porn was easy. Cutting out certain music, TV, and movies was easy. Being sold out for Christ was easy. Yet, I found myself having to stare into the reality of having to choose between pleasing people and pleasing God.

People vs. God? God should win hands down right? Easier said than done until you are in that position. I guess in the two years, my devotion to God has never really been tested. At least not in my mind cause before I never struggled with trying to “decide” what the right course of action was. Do I choose pleasing a person or pleasing my Savior? Do I deal with the fallout of pleasing God or do I stay in the safe zone and keep everyone happy in their sin? Easy answer…go with God. Trust me, it’s never as simple as you think it is.

In my head, I rationalized and justified how pleasing a person wasn’t that bad of a choice even though in my heart, I was losing sleep over it. I hadn’t signed up for this fork in the road when I said “Here Jesus, have my sin and wash me clean.” I signed up to spread the Good News, to do missions and outreaches, to lead small groups, to rescue sex trafficking victims, to worship and praise Him. I signed up for the good stuff.

I didn’t count the cost.

I didn’t sign up to have to choose between being a friend and being a follower of Christ. I didn’t sign up to figure out how to deal with my own personal persecution for choosing Him over others. For a moment, I had a decision to make. Was it really worth it all?

Absolutely.

When all else fails, He is always worth it. When the temptation and deception are staring me in the face, He is still worth it. If I am forced to abandon everyone close to me and forced to face ridicule for choosing God’s commands over their comfort, He will still be worth it. He is just that good.

I Am That Girl…

Last night I was talking with a friend who was a little baffled by the fact that I mentioned I really didn’t watch TV anymore. We have had conversations in the past about changes that we have both made since coming to Christ, mine more “radical” than his. I knew the reaction that I would get when I said what I did, and it didn’t bother me really. I’m used to it. I am used to the gasps and looks of uncertainty when I tell people about things I refrain from in order to make sure that what I do is pleasing to God. I am far from this locked up in the house, one step away from the convent type girl, but when I decided to be serious about God, I developed a new set of eyes in which to see the world and a new level of conviction about how I was living my life. Once you accept salvation, you become a new creation. That means leaving behind some of the old ways in order to be set apart from the rest of the world. Jesus saved me from a life of condemnation in the world, so why try to keep my feet there?

I realize I am okay with being “that girl” who lives to a higher standard that others may not get. Comes with the territory. Call me a Jesus freak…I am and I wear that proudly.

I am that girl who has decided that after years of meaningless sex, I will refrain from it until I get married.

I am that girl who truly believes that God has “the one” for me and it’s not my job to meddle in His plans by pursuing relationships on my own. Patience is a virtue.

I am that girl that has decided that placing things before my eyes and ears that cause me to have lustful and impure thoughts is unacceptable. Cuts out a lot of TV, movies, music and porn. Yep I said porn. Purity above abstinence.

I am that girl who realizes that sitting down with a group of friends and just sharing all that supernatural things that God is doing is the far more fun than going to a club or party and fending off rude guys.

I am that girl that believes in serving in the church. Time out for just holding down a seat. Be active in the local body of Christ so that others can experience His goodness as well.

I am that girl that has had to choose between being a “friend” and honoring what God says. I knew that this journey would not be easy and many will not have the same view point as me, but at the end of the day, my devotion is to honoring God, not leading friends down destructive paths.

I am that girl who has been ridiculed and made fun of by family because I am not ashamed to love God openly. Hey, if they made fun of Jesus, I can take one for the team too.

I am that girl who has forgiven people who have hurt me the most in life and now I pray for their own happiness and blessings. Only God can get you to that place of freedom.

I am that girl who has not been in a relationship in almost 2 years and is perfectly okay with that. True. I realized that God had some work to do to heal my scars so I don’t continue the cycle of destructive relationships. If He was patient enough to continue chasing me for 20+ years, I can be patient enough to let Him mold me into who He has called me to be.

I am that girl who loves to be surrounded with broken, hurting people. Why? Because I was like them just a short time ago so why not pour into them love and encouragement that was poured into me when I was hurting.

I am that girl who would love to have a life dedicated to doing mission work. I thought that the city of Atlanta was filled with darkness and hurting people but I was in for a shock when I traveled to Peru. I had no clue what hurting and desperation was until I spent 10 days in the deserts of Peru surrounded by people who literally have nothing.

I am that girl who is absolutely passionate about ending sex trafficking. My heart broke at the thought of it and I actually took action. It’s one thing to hear about it but its another thing to do something about. Whether its attending events to lobby against it, doing a donation drive to support organizations that fight it or just spreading the word on Facebook, it’s doing something.

I am that girl who believes that every professing Christian in the world has a duty to love like Christ, pursue Him wholeheartedly, live a life that is purposeful, and to introduce others Him. Period.

If God Is Really God, Then Live For Him Like He Is Really God

I started reading Craig Groeschel’s book The Christian Atheist the other day. It’s been on my reading wish list for a while now and thanks to an amazing Kindle ebook special, I got that book and Weird for $2.99 each. I can always tell a book is right on time for me if its a struggle for me to get through it due to a little bit of conviction and down right honesty with myself. The Christian Atheist is messing me up for real. Best $2.99 I’ve spent in a long time.

I believe in God. I do the church thing. I serve. I mentor women. I lead a small group. I do missions trips. I pray for coworkers who threaten to kill themselves. I fast. I spend hours in the Furnace in prayer. I lead outreaches in the community. I blog about all the amazing things I have experienced and have been delivered from thanks to God’s saving grace. I don’t have sex. I feed the homeless. I stand up for victims of human trafficking. I worship with the best of them. I teach my kids to love God. I teach Aiden to pray for Jesus to heal his eczema and asthma. I teach Gavin to be a leader worth following. I am the ideal Christian.

Despite all my works, my testimony, hearing God’s voice with my own ears, I don’t always trust God. I don’t always believe Him or believe in Him. I trust Him in my head but sometimes trusting Him in my heart doesn’t happen. I doubt what He says He will do. I doubt that if I leave my job like He has told me to, He will truly be my provider and take care of me and my boys. I doubt that He will supernaturally open doors and provide favor for me. I doubt that He hears all of my prayers. I doubt that He really wants me to write books. I doubt that He will make a way for me to have a ministry that allows me to be aid in “setting the captives free.”

I am a Christian Atheist. Commence throwing stones.

Even in my moments of doubt and skepticism, I still know that God is not threatened by my unbelief. He is still God even when I am shaky. He is still God even when I don’t feel courageous. He is still God when I am riddled with fear. He is still God even when I don’t trust Him. He is still God because even in all my chaos, He still speaks to me. He still chases after me. He still gives nudges me to remind me that He has more blessings than I can even imagine waiting for me to receive. He is still God because He is never changing.

“If God is really God, then live like He is really God.” That was the challenge that Pastor Johnson gave. Even in my Christian atheism, I know that God is really God. It’s time I start living like He is really God. Time to search my life and expose areas where I have compromised, where I have grown lukewarm, where I have doubt & fear. Time to live like God is really God everyday, not just in a time of crisis.

If God is really God, then live like He is really God. Period.

Right Where I Am Meant To Be

I am a firm advocate of leaving the past right where it is. In the past. Some people come into your life for a reason, a season or a life time. Many of us spend too much time trying to parlay this person who was only meant for a season into a life time.

That was me a few years ago with an ex. We were an unhealthy, codependent couple who settled and wasted many years. I learned a lot of valuable lessons about myself and life and general, so I can honestly say I don’t have too many regrets about that period in my life. I walked away from the situation with my head first and my bruised and broken heart followed behind shortly thereafter.

For me, it was very easy for me to get over someone by just acting like they didn’t exist. I ease memories, avoid certain places, throw away all mementos and keep it pushing. But with this last relationship, God had different plans for my healing process. He made me wallow in the hurt and pain for a while. In my head, getting over that relationship was going to kill me but God was showing me how to trust Him to be my comfort and strength. I had to be serious about this God thing if I wanted to be normal again. It wasn’t easy but I did not fold and try to worm my way back into a relationship that God literally stopped time and plucked me out of.

Just the other day, God downloaded a thought into my heart. He reminded me of all that He has accomplished through me once I stepped out on faith in that supernatural encounter with Him and left the relationship for good. Here is a quick recap:

-July 2009: God stopped time and space and spoke directly to me, saving my life.
-August 2009: I visited Victory World Church for the first time.
-August 2009: I started attending Fusion and joined a small group.
-September 9, 2009: I gave my life to Christ, fully and wholeheartedly.
-November 2009: I was baptized in front of my Fusion community. This was also the month that the issue of human trafficking hit home for me in the wake of 5 year old Shaniya Davis’s death. She was sold by her mother to a man for sex and her body was found on the side of the road a few days later. She resembled my 3 year old neice and both lived just miles apart.
-January 2010: I stepped into Fusion leadership.
-March-May 2010: I experienced 12 amazing weeks of Spirit filled revival at Fusion during the spring of 2010 that changed how I viewed the Holy Spirit.
-June 2010: I went on my first Sunday to Sunday in town mission trip, an experience that rocked my world and broke my heart for my city. During that week, I met a young lady that fueled my passion for the victims in the sex trade.
-July 2010: I begain blogging as a way to get back into writing and to journal my journey with God. I wrote blogs for the Sunday to Sunday website.
-October 2010: I participated in an amazing overnight outreach with Fusion, feeding and ministering to the homeless and cleaning up SafeHouse Atlanta, a staple of hope for the homeless of Atlanta.
-November 2010: I launched a donation drive to provide much needed items to WellSpring Living, a non profit restoration home for former sex trafficking victims. I delivered a van load of supplies and journals to the ladies 2 weeks before Christmas.
-February 2011: I became a small group apprentice, training to lead others and create disciples within my Fusion community. Later that month I participated in Lobby Day with StreetGrace, a partnership of local churches and community partners to lobby for legislation to protect victims of child sex trafficking and punish traffickers and johns.
-April 2011: Friends and I visited a local strip club and ministered to the beautiful, yet broken girls. I left with more hugs, tears, and prayer requests from the girls that I would have ever imagined. Also, attended the Resilent Women’s conference and was introduced to the dyanmic Christine Caine, a powerhouse evangelist and advocate for suvivors in human trafficking.
-June 2011: I embarked on a 10 day mission trip to Peru to work with former street kids, trafficking survivors, and children from some of the poorest, most violent slums in the country. On Wednesday, I get to attend a panel discussion featuring Rachel Lloyd, one of my favorite advocates for victims of child sex trafficking.

This is seriously just a snapshot of the things that I have done in the past 2 years. There are too many outreaches, Fusion services, spontanteous prayers for strangers, bible studies, friendships created, leaders trained, disciples made, late night Furnace prayer sessions, supernatural encounters, missionaries supported, lives changed, to even count. Our lives are a ripple effect, touching one person, who then touches another and another. I have met so many strangers and shared the gospel with it is beyond measure. I have encouraged so many friends, strangers, and coworkers with words or just random acts of kindness, its overwhelming.

I am right where I am meant to be.

Going down memory lane is okay but I have no regrets from getting off that beaten path. None of this would have been possible had I chosen to stay in that one relationship. Being consumed with one person would have prevented me from affecting the lives of thousands with the gospel. You never know how far your reach is supposed to go when your focus is on everything but God. Thankful that He stopped time to chase me and that I had sense enough to let Him catch me.

My Delight Is In Her

Today is a girly day. One of those days were I am wearing my heart on my sleeve. Raw and exposed. Intentionally. I’ve come to the realization that there are some little parts of my heart that still have holes in it that I have been trying to hide from God. Stupid move because as I sometimes forget that He already knows the condition of my heart, even if I never say a word.

I am realizing that there are some issues that I thought I was whole and healed from but in all reality, I was just ignoring them. I am the Queen of ignoring something until it goes away, praying that it doesn’t rear its ugly head again at the most inopportune time. But lately it has. In the form of dreams. Dreams about him. For the most part, that chapter has been written and ended and for the most part, I feel that I am completely okay with leaving the past in the past.

But God has this amazing way of bringing to the light areas of our lives that we try to hide from Him that are still a little tender to the touch. I had my moment of clarity and honesty when I let the floodgates open about how I was really feeling.

I miss him. Not the relationship, but just him. His presence in my life. I miss the security he provided. The comfort, the listening ear, the encouragement, the validation, the friendship. For so many years, he was this prominent figure in my life, in my world. Luckily when things ended, I was not left this big gaping hole. I was okay with our transition out of each life. It was needed because I needed to free myself to follow Christ, to grow up, to be rescued.

Being surrounded by courting and married couples reminds you of your single status. I’m okay with that but its hard to escape that twinge of something in your heart. Yet over the last few weeks, God has been speaking to me about issues that I have not been wanting to address out loud even though it has taken up residence in my mind.

A few weeks ago, I took Ancient Paths 2 at church. 1000% more impactful that the first class. This was the first time I heard the scripture Isaiah 62:2-4 which says:

The nations will see your vindication, and all kings your glory; you will be called by a new name that the mouth of the LORD will bestow. You will be a crown of splendor in the LORD’s hand, a royal diadem in the hand of your God. No longer will they call you Deserted, or name your land Desolate. But you will be called Hephzibah, and your land Beulah; for the LORD will take delight in you, and your land will be married.

My intercessor for our group prayed this blessing over me. Fast forward a couple of weeks, and at our last Beth Moore Breaking Free bible study session, Beth mentioned again Isaiah 62:2-4. Hephzibah. This past Friday at the women’s conference, Beckah Shae mentioned having a dream with the name Hephzibah. It means “my delight is in her” from Isaiah 62:4.

Its funny how I’ve been longing for some affection and praise from someone that God purposefully removed from my life so that He can be the one give me affection and praise. He has been saying “I delight in you” for weeks. To Him, I am a royal diadem and I have been crowned with splendor. He delights in me. I am Hephzibah. For real. All these things I have been longing for, God already promised to be that for me in the form of the Holy Spirit. John 14:16 (AMP) says:

And I will ask the Father, and He will give you another Comforter (Counselor, Helper, Intercessor, Advocate, Strengthener, and Standby), that He may remain with you forever–.

My dreams about my past, the twinges in my heart, is just God trying to fill the empty spaces in my life that I pretend are not there. He can’t mend what I wont let go of. Thank goodness He is patient with me because I can be stubborn and controlling and try to patch myself up when I think He isn’t looking. But He is jealous for me and would rather speak to me than to let me keep nursing an open wound.

He gets me.

For The Love of Money…

I’ve been taking this finance class at church that give us Biblical understanding of how God sees money and the resources He entrusts us with. It has been an eye opening process to say the least. There are over 2,300 references in the Bible that speaks on money, possessions, debt and giving. God obviously has a lot to say about how me handle money and kinda knew that man would struggle in this area in the long run.

Last night in class, one of the verses we went over was Luke 16:10 which says “Whoever can be trusted with very little can also be trusted with much, and whoever is dishonest with very little will also be dishonest with much.” For some reason, that one verse out of all the verses we discussed stuck out to me the most. If I can be trusted with a little, then I surely can be trusted with a lot. But in reality, I haven’t been that responsible when it comes to money so that’s probably why God is kinda hesitant about pouring out His intended blessings on me, and rightly so.

Since last night, I have been thinking about my desired career which is counseling. I intend to using my counseling expertise to help in the after care of sex trafficking victims because that is an area that is seriously lacking. Georgia has about 60 beds available in the whole state to handle the critical after care process and we are #1 when it comes to space. That’s not saying too much considering there are any where from 300-400 young girls on the streets every night. I am taking a break from school because I was getting burned out and I have so many other things on my plate with ministry work, I seriously don’t have time to finish up the few classes I have left. I am stalling because I know that counselors in Atlanta don’t make very much because the market is flooded with psych majors from all the universities in the area. For a while, I was a bit discouraged about investing so much money into my education for undergrad and grad school, knowing it doesn’t pay off salary wise in the long run. In GA, a masters level counselor/psychologist only makes about $35K.

I realize my hesitation for finishing my grad program, the excuses, stalling, doubts about why I even persued this field was all rooted in money. Definitely a revelation for me. The Bible says in Matthew 6:24 “No one can serve two masters. Either you will hate the one and love the other, or you will be devoted to the one and despise the other. You cannot serve both God and money.” I cannot be so bound to money that I follow it, instead of God.

My attitude about money is definitely changing. I am feeling the desire to actually put God first in that area and honor Him and continue on the path that pleases Him. The amount of money I make should not be my determining factor because even if I make a little, if I am faithful in handling the little I have, God will bless me with more to handle. He has a supernatural way of providing for His faithful children. He can truly make a way out of what we think is no way. I love when the pieces fall into place like this and God removes the veil from my eyes. He does have a plan for me and I am standing in the way of something great. I need to surrender my fears, thoughts, doubts, finances, career goals and desires over to Him so that He can do His thing and work everything together for my good and His glory. There is so much that I have been put here to do but I haven’t been obedient in doing those things. A new day is here and a new attitude has been awakened and I am ready to see God’s supernatural work happen before my eyes. I am determined to only serve Him and not money. I am determined to faithful and honest in the little that He has entrusted me with so that He can trust me with more in the future.

Lesson In Pride

It’s a humbling experience to have God show you areas of your life that need some help. It’s exciting to have people come to me for advice and a little spiritual guidance. Yet, it’s prideful to think that the very advice I am giving out doesn’t apply to me when I know it does.

Isaiah 57:15 has been my theme verse for the past week or so. I have referred a few people to it lately and even bogged about it. However, it wasn’t until I was going through the homework for my Beth Moore “Breaking Free” study did I realize that I needed that verse more than anyone. I was dealing with pride. I thought I had my stuff together, dishing out all this advise when I was battling with God with some of my own very similar junk. He is gracious enough to humble us privately and mercifully enough to chin check us when need be.

Pride takes on so many different faces and being a ministry leader, I have to be more diligent about seeking God and not let my thrill of counseling others overshadow my obligation to seek God for wisdom and my own heart examination first. Better start checking that plank in my own eye before I start pointing out the speck in someone else’s.

Free at last…

This weekend has been a world wind of emotions, revelations, conquered fears, community, and confirmation. I took the Ancient Paths seminar at church and had my world rocked. I was nervous about what to expect so little did I know, God had already prepared my heart for the very discussions that were being taught. We discussed generational curses and issues that cause our soul not to line up with God. Those are the very things I blogged about in my last two entries. I was comforted to know that I was already on the right track when it comes to ending the cycles of sin in my children and my generations to come. I was even more please with the visions and revelations God gave me when it comes to the condition of my soul.

In one of our small group sessions, our group leader asked us to prayerfully examine our hearts and reveal any areas of sin that we are still struggling with that is causing us to not be in alignment with God. I knew this was my moment to let everything in me loose and spend some time in God’s presences, tears and all. As I prayed, I noticed God was extra silent while everyone around me was having revelations, repenting, crying etc. I was starting to get nervous because I figured I wasn’t praying right or not listen to God right or something because surely He had a list of areas I was still jacked up in.

When I closed my eyes, God transported me back to September 9, 2009. In my mind’s eye, I was at a Fusion service during the Naked series. The sermon was titled “Healing From Heartbreak” and this was maybe my 3rd Fusion service. I saw Pastor Johnson standing on the stage with a huge white light illuminating behind him. I saw myself standing in line with my little blue slip of paper that contained every sin I had committed and every instance of pain I could think of. Pastor Johnson told us to nail our sins and shame to the actual huge cross at the end of the stage and accept Christ’s free gift of salvation and righteousness. I figured I had nothing to lose and everything to gain so I stood in line with the shaky faith that maybe He would give me a second chance. Maybe.

Believe it or not, He gave me a second chance. He gave me beauty for ashes. He gave me a new life. That night will forever be burned into my mind and heart because that was the night I seriously gave my heart to Christ. I remember feeling such freedom in those moments when I nailed my slip of paper to that cross. I remember the tears falling and me not really understanding why. I remember e-mailing Pastor Summer and thanking her for sharing her testimony and her thanking Jesus for meeting me at the cross. I didn’t know what that meant then but I do now.

As I came back to reality and listened to the prayers for forgiveness from my group members, I again asked God why He showed me that night and not areas of my soul that needed mending. Just as sure as I hear my own voice when I speak, God said to me “Look at what I have already done for you. I have already set you free.” He set me free when I took the leap of faith and nailed sins to the cross and allowed Him to breath life into my fragile heart. When I accepted Christ, He set me free. How awesome is that? Realizing I was not as jacked up as I thought was an amazing thing.

On the last day of the seminar, we were given the meaning of our names. Who would have known that my name means “free.” Yeah, He knew what He was doing. More than anything this weekend, I learned that I am supposed to be here. I am right where I am supposed to be for such a time as this. I have a purpose and a plan for my life. I am free because He loves me.

Everything You do just screams “I love you.” It really does.

The Heart of My Father

Today has just been a day of emotions and confusion. I hate days like this because I feel like I am spending most of my time in my head and not really accomplishing anything. This is one of those days where I just kinda check out and rest so that I can get back into the fight. So many issues, feelings, and thoughts weighing on my mind that I am actually losing sleep. I have been losing the good fight with insomnia for a few weeks now and I think its finally taken its toll. You would think that I would just pray for a break through and release all these problems on God but this is one of those days where I am making the mistake of trying to deal with things on my own. I have to ask myself “How’s that working for you?” knowing the answer would be “not so good.”

Though I can’t really muster up the energy or the faith to pray tonight, I know that God is listening to the rumbling in my heart and mind. As I sit here on my bedroom floor reflecting on my day and contemplating the content of my quarterly letter to Jesus I am about to write, I am listening to one of my favorite worship songs. The Anthem by Planet Shakers. As the music and lyrics soothe my ears and my heart, I can’t help but embrace the tears that are falling. I am feeling rather emotional and girly right now. This is a night that I need the love and reassurance of my Heavenly Father. Sometimes it takes a worship song to pierce through all the doubt, fear, anxiety, and pride that keeps me from really hearing Him and being assured of things I already know.

Hallelujah. You have won the victory.
Hallelujah. You have won it all for me.
Death could not hold you down. You are the Risen King.
Seated in majesty. You are the Risen King.

Those words alone let me know that He hears me. He tells me that if He is the Risen King, then I am the beloved daughter of the Most High. I am the daughter of Royalty. I am His beloved, His fair one. I move His heart and He smiles at the thought of me. My name is etched in His hand in gold and He knows all the hairs on my head. He is the lover of my soul and the protector of my heart. He knitted me together in my mother’s womb with love and care and He desires for me to live a life of blessing and abundance. He sacrificed His Son so that I may have the honor and pleasure of being in His presence at any moment of the day. He tells me that I can always trust Him, always depend on Him, always come to Him even in my darkest, most sinful hour. He has redeemed and cleansed me of my past and is preparing my heart and mind for a future that only He can orchestrate. He is the author of life and is penning a story so magnificent and so worthy of His beloved daughter that it brings joy to His heart. I am my Beloved’s and He is mine.

He sees every little bit of effort I make for the Kingdom. He sees my heart for Him, no matter how small I think it is. He sees my passion for Him even when it is waning. He sees my desire to come to Him even in my shame. He knows my thought, He knows my heart, He knows my intention and it all makes Him happy. I have already captured His heart when I decided to die to my old ways, pick up my cross and follow Him. I’ve ravished His heart and He anticipates every little moment that I spend with Him. He sees me. He sees me when my faith is tested and He pulls at my heart so that I don’t fall far from Him. He tells me that I move His heart just with my mere presence. I move His heart. I move the heart of the King, my Father. He sees every bit of the longing in my spirit to draw nearer to Him even when my flesh is weak. He sees the sacrifices that I make even when I don’t think He notices. He is pleased and proud. He is never disappointed, angry, or sad. He tells me that I really do make Him happy. His love for me is indescribable and too beautiful for words.

Cory Asbury’s worship song Do You Know The Way You Move Me brought me to tears tonight as well as The Anthem by Planet Shakers. Unfortunately, Cory’s song isn’t available online but luckily I found the only site that has a copy of it. It’s amazing and a great reminder of the heart of our Father.

Thanks for tears tonight, my Father. I am learning to embrace them, even in your presence.

Seasons Change

It’s been over a week since I have posted and this past week has been non stop crazy. Been mapping out some ideas and suggestions for Fusion service teams as I transition from service teams to small group apprentice next year. That was totally God ordained and timely because the desire had been there and I was surprised that Avery, Taina, and Liz McVicker were all in agreement that it is time for me to step into that new role. I’ve also decided to step out on faith and take on this project of collecting donations for the women at Wellsprings Living. God put the idea on my heart earlier this year and it wasn’t until seeing the Candy Shop documentary at the Fox that I decided to act on it. So far so good and luckily I am friends with enough small group leaders to help spread the word. Planning and organizing has been time consuming but so worth it if my vision comes to past. Thank you for community.

I realize I am transitioning into yet another season and the year is not over. God has me on this fast tracked agenda and I am not quite sure why. He has taught me valuable lessons in trusting Him, being bold for Him, dying to my prideful ways, knowing that even when I don’t live up to His expectations, He still loves and delights in me. I have learned that my ways are not His ways and His ways reach far beyond my own comprehension. I have learned to separate my natural thinking from His supernatural actions. I have learned that prayer and faith can change lives and even in times of heartache and disappointment, He is still worthy to be praised. I have learned to lean on Him and only Him, that He will never forsake me, that He is always moving and always challenging me. I have learned that I need to be vulnerable and transparent with Him. He has been with me every minute of my existence so there isn’t anything He doesn’t know but He needed me to know that I can come to Him with the most intimate and fragile secrets, fears and desires.

There has been so much personal growth and spiritual growth in this past year that I often wonder “Why me? What did I do to deserve to be on such an incredible journey?” I usually get a “Why not you?” shortly thereafter. He is constantly reminding me that I am so worthy of all the desires of my heart because of my faithfulness to Him and my heart for others. Leash S. told me that God honors our pure hearts and faithfulness and I am seeing the fruits of my labor. Even when I don’t even think I am worthy to call His name, He tells me that I am still His beloved, that my name is written in His hand and that He absolutely delights in me.

So as I have transitioned from learning to trust, to learning to be transparent, I feel like I am now learning how to get prepared. I’m not quite sure what I am getting prepared for, but that desire to get myself together is getting stronger and stronger. He is placing me with people that are outside of my normal circle and allowing them to speak into my life. He has placed me among Quiana and Dexter Culbreath who I am learning so much from. Our friendships sparked from me being obedient and blessing them with a small gift when Eden was born. Barely knew Quiana but felt this overwhelming need to get to know her and oddly enough she felt it too. God works like that. He places you where you need to be and with whom you need to be “for such a time as this.” Waiting patiently for more revelations and confirmation but enjoying where I am.

He is good.