I Have It All Together: Fact or Fiction?

A few weeks ago, some girlfriends and I were having our usual post Fusion service chat over discount appetizers at Applebee’s. As we went around the table discussing various things going on in our lives, it was brought to light that I tend to not have many “issues” to work out or dissect.

Truth be told, in that moment, I didn’t.

I didn’t have any family drama to report on. No baby daddy issues. No crazy exes, current boo thangs, or crying fits over being single. No freaking out about my job, school, ministry, my every entertaining kids, the book project, direction in life or the like. I actually had to stop and think about the last time I had momentary lapse in sanity. The closest thing I could come up with was my Mother’s Day snafu with Aiden’s dad which in all honesty, wasn’t much to write home about.

But then those fatal words stabbed my heart: “You seem like you have it all together.”

Clearly, they could not have been talking about me. Some days, I consider myself an absolute hot mess.

After that conversation, I did some serious  soul-searching. Do I really give off the aire that I have it all together? Like I don’t have a care in the world? Like things are great and I never have any problems? I hope not because that is so far from the truth.

On any given day, I can be freaking about anything from being a single mom of two growing boys to my inability to return phone calls in a timely fashion. Or the fact that some days I battle with insecurities that rear their ugly heads or the fact that I have yet to finish my almost complete graduate program while others are breezing past me in academia. Or the fact that some days I feel isolated as a ministry coach or the fact that some days I have no clue why God picked me to be a leader in my generation. (Has He met me?!)

God gave me an interesting revelation a day or so after the chat with my friends. It wasn’t a “better than you” lofty perception of myself but more so my shift in the way I navigate through life that I needed to share with the hope that others would follow.

Some would think that because I don’t complain a lot, have meltdowns often or am battling issues often, I have it all together. So far from the truth. I live a life of thanks for what I have instead of complaining about what I don’t. I pray about everything instead of worrying about anything. I believe that God is my healer, my provider, my protector, my source of strength and my biggest cheerleader. I don’t have it all together, but I trust in the One that does.

I don’t have it all together. And neither does anyone else on Earth. My life gets out of balance, I cry, I have freak out moments. I realize I am still human and not immune to the troubles of life. Yet, I have learned that worrying doesn’t make any problem go away. Being anxious over the things I have no control over won’t grant me anymore leverage over the situation. Trying to save the world and everyone in it will only leave me disappointed and broken. I’ve learned to redirect my fears, doubts, insecurities and anxiety onto the One whose yoke is light enough to carry them all. Our human minds and bodies were not created to carry the weight of the world. Jesus already did that on the cross.

None of us have it all together. No one will ever arrive at the destination of “my life is perfect.” My life revolves around my constant, desperate need for my Savior. While I let Him do the hard work like keeping the infinite number of universes aligned and saving people from eternal damnation, He lets me spend my days bragging about how amazing He is. Can’t complain about that kind of trade-off.

 

 

Mirror Mirror On The Wall…

I have this weird quirk. Whenever I am brushing my teeth in the morning, I can never sit and watch myself in the mirror. It’s been a habit for as long as I can remember. I don’t know where it came from and I only realized that I do it maybe a year ago.

Go figure.

Yet this morning something strange happened. As I brushed my teeth while fixing my eyes on the IKEA catalog on my counter, I could have sworn I heard a voice over my shoulder. Not a 5 year old voice asking for cereal or a 13 year old voice asking why I forgot Pop Tarts. I heard this:

“You are fearfully and wonderfully made.”

Mind you it was 9:00 AM, I was barely awake, and I really wasn’t too concerned about my looks.

Or was I?

Was what I considered a quirky nuisance really the manifestation of lies that I had believed for longer than I can remember? I look in the mirror all the time so that can’t be it. Sure there are things I wish I could change (or have just been to busy to try to change) but for the most part, I can say I am not flooded with insecurity.

Not sure what to make of that voice that I heard in my bathroom, I sat for a few minutes…and looked in the mirror. I stared at myself and could hear the lies that I secretly believed in private while sharing with others how fearfully and wonderfully made they were. I was able to show others the beauty in who God made them to be all the while not truly believing those truths on a daily basis.

God really does have a way of coming to me right where I am. When I least expect it, He speaks the loudest. He doesn’t give me time to rationalize or gather my thought because I know all the right things to say, even if my heart isn’t in it.

A couple of weeks ago, I asked God to make my heart line up with my words. He never misses a beat.

My New Years Resolutions…As Told By My Savior

I went to IHOP on December 19 and these are the words that I wrote down in my journal, just as they came to me. Clearly the words of my Savior, speaking to my heart. I will let these words be my New Years resolutions.

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Turn your affections back to Me. Back to Jesus. Look towards the cross and know the promises I have made to you.

Do not shy away from where I have called you out of fear of not being rewarded your heart’s desire. Be faithful in the seasons that I have placed you and allow Me to do a work in your heart because there is still work to be done.

Do not desire the things other people have because what I have for you is for you alone. Don’t worry about anything as long as your gaze is fixed on Me and the Kingdom of Heaven. Sometimes the sounds of the world are too loud to hear My voice but know I speak when you seek Me.

I hear your prayers and I see your heart. I am not silent and I am not far from you. I need you to seek My face and die to your own desires each day. I desire your heart, your mind, your spirit, your attention, your adoration.

You are my Beloved. I have burned away the sin and shame and made a new creation out of you. My work is never in vain and you are here because I specifically chose you. I appointed you to live in this season. I chose you to be my messenger and share my love with others.

Don’t let fear, insecurity, doubt of the unknown or unseen keep you off due course. There are words to be written that come from My lips and flow through your pen. There are people who need Me and they need to see Me through you. Show them who I am to you.

Love Me, worship Me, follow Me, share My story, share your story. Allow Me to finish writing the next chapters in your life. Trust that I know what is best for you and I know what you deserve. Don’t worry about the process, just continue to pursue my will for you and the rest will be revealed.

Our Father is a jealous God and a loving protective and devoted Father. Don’t allow the temptations of this world to steal your affections. Turn your heart back towards Me and allow Me to show myself faithful to you. God’s grace is sufficient to cover you during this season. I am more than enough for you. Trust and know that.

Seasons change. I don’t.

Pure in heart. Pure in mind. Pure in spirit. Reclaim purity to children of Christ.

I’ve washed you white as snow but your robes still gather dirt and filth. My love is never ending, my sacrifice was for you, my blood still cleans, still purifies, still heals, still saves.

Don’t let your robes keep getting dirty when I have already made them clean. Clean hands should handle your kingdom robes and crown.

Stop playing in the dirt when I have already made you clean. Dust yourself off and wash your hands in the stream of living water that flows from My heart. Prepare your heart. I am coming.

Perfectly Flawed

I sometimes wonder if people knew about the quirks and nuisances that make me who I am. I am not some weird girl, but I am aware of my flaws and imperfections, my little ways of doing things that deviate from the norm.

• I cannot sleep with doors open in my room. I have to make sure my bathroom door and both closet doors are closed or I cannot sleep. Unfortunately, I have to leave my bedroom door open slightly so the dog can come and go. I usually find myself waking up in the middle of the night to close it after he is down for the count at the foot of my bed. I obviously don’t sleep through out the night.
• I am a lover of all things cereal but I can only eat if its prepared a certain way. Cereal in bowl, then 5 ice cubes, then spoon, then milk. If there is no ice available, I won’t eat cereal.
• I always close my eyes when brushing my teeth. Teeth brushing is not the most glamorous part of my routine so why stare at myself foaming at the mouth?

Despite my neurotic tendencies, I still seem to be able to put my jeans on one leg at a time and function through out the day. Yet, underneath the surface, there are flaws that most people don’t see. Flaws and imperfections that still make me the person I am. The perfect flaws that even God Himself enjoys about me.

• I believe I am the most emotional girl walking on the face of the Earth. It’s a blessing and a curse, more so a curse because I tend to tap into the burdens and feelings of others easily. To me, it’s a flaw. To God, it’s perfection because it makes me more apathetic and compassionate to those who are hurting.
• Some days, I feel a sense of guilt when it comes to leading others during times when my faith is shaky. Happens a lot more than you think. To me, it’s a flaw. To God, it’s perfection because then, I must rely on remembering where He has brought me from so He can show me that this too shall pass.
• There are days when I doubt my own abilities to do things that God says I can.  Major flaw. Yet, to God, it’s perfection. That’s what He likes about me most. The simple fact that I will always run to Him seeking confirmation and approval. Rarely will I act before He gives me the green light.

I am quirky, borderline neurotic, emotional, shaky, and humble. I am perfectly flawed and He likes me just the way I am.

Think Before You Leap

I was listening to one of the local popular morning radio shows this morning on the way to work. I usually have a CD playing or riding in silence (my only bit of quiet time in my hectic days) so it must have been a fluke that I was listening.

Anyway, the show brought a listener into the studio to get some feedback on her current marital situation. I didn’t catch the begining but was able to figure out what this poor newlywed bride Joanne was going through with her husband Jason. Her husband is currently in New York training and interviewing for jobs in the investment banking field. Joanne is still in Atlanta alone. Due to the high demands of his training, he often goes days without talking with Joanne. This is their first year of marriage so to be separated and lacking communication is adding stress to their situation.

To make matters worse, once he secures a job, they will be moving to New York for about 3-5 years where they have no friends or family. Jason is former military and Joanne admitted that her fear of having to be separated from him due to deployment prompted him to leave that career behind, go back to school for finance and enter a more lucrative career in investment banking. Joanne also admitted that as loving and wonderful as her husband is, he does have a pattern of putting military, school, and now investment banking first above her feelings. What stuck out to me the most was when she tearful said that she finally realized she married her father. Her father worked so much that he missed her growing up and that’s never what she wanted in a husband.

Heartbreaking.

I love the institution of marriage and all that it stands for in the eyes of God. It saddens me when people get married and on the other side of “I Do” they realize they are on different pages about a lot of things. Some of the best marriage advice I have ever gotten was from a married friend of mine that said being married doesn’t fix your problems, it only amplifies them. Joanne is realizing that she got married knowing that her husband puts career first. She was silent in making her need to know that she is the main priority out of fear of sounding insecure and ungrateful. To Jason, getting a great job as an investment banker would allow his wife to never have to work again while Joanne would rather both make less money and still have her husband home for dinner every night. She has insecurities that stem from her workaholic father that she never dealt with as an adult. In turn, her husband is now suffering for damage done years ago.

This all reminds me of why Pastor Johnson stresses the importance of courting with a purpose. Both people need to be on the same path, heading in the same direction. If she wants to be a missionary in China while he wants to be a teacher in Montana, clearly there are going to have to be some compromises made or it won’t work. Joanne wants her husband present and accounted for while his main focus is providing for his family despite the sacrifices. I understand that life happens, circumstances change, and the vision may need to be tweaked at some point. Yet, somethings should be dealt with (insecurities, past hurts, priorities) should be addressed before the vows are exchanged. Marriage is tough enough as it is.

It’s easier to just think about what you are getting yourself into before you leap into something that you didn’t plan for. Woman make the mistake of hoping marriage makes to red flags we tried to ignore while dating, go away for good. It doesn’t. I have seen too many of my married friends bring baggage to the feet of their new wives or husbands expecting them to clean up the mess someone else made. God gives us wisdom and discernment for a reason. He speaks to us even when we are too stubborn to listen to Him warn of us of pending danger. He allows us to make mistakes that He would have rather we didn’t, all for the sake of us leaning on Him to pull us out of our own pit of dispair.

Think before you leap. Marriage is a lasting covenant. Don’t bring extra baggage along for the ride.

Buffet Style God

I had an interesting conversation with a friend today about various temptations that people face, namely sexual temptation. I am human just like the next girl and I am not immune to temptation so of course the topic of sex is one of those things that come up with me from time to time. Sex is every where so there really is no escaping it. I don’t watch TV very often and when I do find the time to watch TV, I usually stick with The Food Network or HGTV. I’m not one of those head in the sand Christians but I do know where to draw the line so I am not having to deal with temptations that can certainly be avoided.

In chatting with my friend, the topic of sin came up and I asked his thoughts on pre-martial sex. We had this conversation before but I realize he never really said whether he is for or against it.

Turns out he is on the fence about it. Aren’t most people when it comes to something that we enjoy?

I wasn’t disappointed in his response because lately, I have been on the fence about it too. Not on the fence about whether it is right or wrong because it is wrong. More on the fence about why its wrong. The spiritual aspect of why it is wrong.  I know the Bible says its wrong but in my head, I was allowing my own fleshly rationalization to take over. I asked God to seriously do work on my thoughts because I couldn’t do it on my own.

And He did. With this very conversation.

I asked my friend is it OK to pick and choose what sins we choose to refrain from and what we choose to indulge in? Many professing Christians today tend to treat the Bible like a buffet. They pick out what suits them and leave the rest. We won’t commit murder or steal but we will have sex. Sex is OK, its acceptable, it’s the norm, it feels good.

Does God pick and choose what He will forgive us for simply because we pick and chose what parts of the Bible we will obey and what we wont? Did Jesus die on the cross to redeem us from most of our sins, but not the really bad ones?  Yeah, I didn’t think so either.

I choose to abstain from sex until I am married because I know the consequences of doing so. Soul ties, broken hearts, unplanned pregnancies, separation from God, risk of diseases, skewed idea of love verses lust, emotional co-dependancy, you name it, it’s tied to sex. I choose to abstain because the Bible says so. I figured if I am going to say I follow Christ, I might as well go at it whole heartedly and not half way. God didn’t choose to forgive me of lying but not for having sex outside of marriage so what right do I have to choose to only follow part of the Bible. My life is its own testimony of the amazing power of God so if He can rescue me from my own pit of despair, surely I can honor Him and His commandments because not doing that is what got me in trouble in the first place.

The Bible is real. It’s God’s word, His written truth for us to take as the absolute truth. Sure there are plenty of things that we may not want to forgo like not having sex before marriage but it pleases Him for us to still honor Him and His commands. When we learn to renew our minds and not conform to what the world says is right, even those things that we once thought we couldn’t abandon, stop being pleasing to us. Being a follower of Christ doesn’t mean life will be easy and there are certainly lots of things that we would rather still do before we came to Him for forgiveness. But at the end of the day, we were forgiven for ALL of our sins because our God is not a buffet style, I will take this but leave that kinda God. We shouldn’t be that way either.

How Many…

A question has been in the back of my mind for days now. A question that is making me take a hard look at my life as well as my spiritual life. “How many people am I sending to Hell because I didn’t share my faith with them?” How many? If I think about all the people I encounter in a day, seven days a week, it adds up to be a lot. People that I pass in the street, at work, at my kid’s school, in the grocery store, at the bank, in a restaurant, everywhere. Opportunities to share the Gospel that I pass up on a daily basis. Yeah, I know people have to atone for their own sin but if I am not sharing with them the power of forgiveness, grace, and redemption that Jesus provides, I might as well be pushing them into the Lake of Fire myself.

I am realizing I am not that good of a disciple as I thought I was.

I have found myself stuck in a rut of lukewarmness and complacency. Sure, I talk about Jesus and all the amazing things happening in my life but I tell those things to my circle of friends. I put it on Facebook for the random masses to see, but I don’t share it with people that I KNOW are far from Christ. I know most days I am not always diligently seeking Him, yet the moment I am in need, I call on Him. I have developed a rather unfair relationship with my Savior. He is always there, unchanging, just waiting anxiously to pour out His blessings over me, but I treat Him like an after thought, a get out of jail free card. I have become comfortable in my regular ways that don’t always glorify God or bring people to the Kingdom of Heaven.

But why? How did I get to this place?

Just like the breakdown of any relationship, it isn’t one event that happened that put me in the place I am in. It’s a series of events or incidents that got me here. Unfortunately, since God never changes His ways, the blame is on me. I stopped making Him my first thoughts. I stopped being diligent and intentional about seeking Him. I slacked up in my prayer time. I stopped expecting Him to do amazing things in my life because I began to get consumed with trivial things around me. I started to let my faith wane because I began to focus more on my own wants and desires than God’s will for me. I stopped having that crazy hunger for His presence and His living word. I became regular, average, lukewarm, conformed.

God’s timing in perfect…like for real. I have been aware of my present state of mind for a while now, but never really knew what to do about it. But God decided to show me what to do. Fusion kicked back off last week with a new series called unNormal. Basically stepping out of our comfort zone and being radical for Christ. This past Sunday Pastor D talked about making our desire to share our faith with others an urgent matter. This past Wednesday at our monthly leadership meeting after Fusion, Pastor Johnson gave all of us leaders a book to read to help strengthen us. The is called Radical: Taking Back Your Faith From The American Dream by David Platt. I haven’t even opened the book yet, but I know it going to challenge my thinking and push me out of my comfort zone.

I need that. For real. I want to be radical. I want to be unNormal.

“How many people am I sending to Hell because I didn’t share my faith with them?” Think about it.

Mommy AND Daddy Issues

God is working on me as always. Lately, I have been getting calls from my dad at all times of the day. All go unanswered. My dad was absent during 98 percent of my life growing up so we have no relationship. He was around for about a year when I was a freshman in high school but by then, it was kinda hard to have that daddy/daughter connection. It was more like this strange man in our house trying to have a strained conversation about my day. Mix in chronic alcoholism and my lack of acknowledgement for his existence up to this point and you can see why his calls go unanswered. My mother mentioned to me the other day that he had been trying to reach me but that was brushed off with little affect on my desire to connect with him.

My mother and I don’t have the best relationship either. Looking back on my life growing up, we didn’t have that magical mother/daughter connection either. My siblings and I were raised mainly by my grand and great grandmothers. My mom worked a lot and my over protective grandparents felt we would be better off with them where we were guaranteed a consistent string of hot meals and beds to sleep in. 5 kids by 25 made her a bit irresponsible and laced with her own insecurities and personal struggles. She did not set boundaries with us even though we were not wild kids that need micromanaging. She did not instill worth and affirmation in me so I naturally sought it in other places. Dad never showed me how to be respected by boys and to know that I was a precious commodity so I dealt with emotions and heartbreak as best I could.

Last night as my friend and I were leaving dinner, she began to ask me about my relationship with my mother and father. I answered them very nonchalantly yet honestly all while screaming on the inside. God had been tugging at my heart about my dad during the day and I felt like He was speaking through her about my relationship with my parents.

I have Mommy and Daddy issues. Sigh…

God has an interesting way of reminding us that He knows when we have been healed from issues in our past and when we just ignore them altogether and accept that as healing. The latter has been my case with a lot of things and since He has me in this preparation stage, I guess He sees fit to have me deal with things that really are never on my radar. I am rather indifferent towards both my parents and feel absolutely weird when I talk to them over the phone. Yet, deep down, I know there is a longing for a connection with them that the little girl inside of me wishes I had. I know friends that talk to their mothers everyday about anything, yet I avoid my mother’s phone calls. I have friends that talk about their fathers with such respect and admiration and that just seems like a foreign concept to me. It gets overwhelming sometimes because it makes me think that are large chucks in my personality and decision making that is not quite balanced because I didn’t have those key figures being up front and center during critical times in my life. I still remember meeting a guy some years back that I liked that said he could never marry someone who didn’t grow up in a two parent house hold like he did.

Think I have been feeling a little inadequate since then. Words are very powerful. Think me and God are gonna have a field day at the end of the month since I am taking Ancient Paths 2. Finally have some junk for him to bring to the light.

In God We Trust…

Last night, I had one of those  moments that required a little spiritual intervention. I went to the movies with my friend to see The Adjustment Bureau. It was a great movie with lots of spiritual undertone which I liked. It was also a love story which was cool too. Until the movie was over. Since my friend Diana and I went to the theater at Atlantic Station, I had every desire to have dinner at Strip because I wanted sushi. I knew Diana had to go babysit after the movie so I asked another friend if she could join me. She had baby duty but invited me over later. I figured if Diana and I weren’t going to have dinner at Strip, I was gonna have Chinese take out with Quiana. I was kid free and really didn’t want the evening to be wasted.

But God, in His marvelous design had other plans. Diana couldn’t have dinner, Quiana was no longer available and I even called a plan C friend who also wasn’t available. It was 10:00 PM and I was to about to head home alone, after watching Matt Damon and Emily Blunt defy the odds and walk off into the sun set. I hadn’t felt that twinge of loneliness in quiet some time. Guess I have been too busy to notice. More like intentionally busy so I don’t have to notice. Moment of transparency.

As I was riding home, I decided to have a honest heart to heart with God about the current condition of my heart. At some point in my rambling, I started to say “God I trust You to know what’s best for me and to have a plan for me.” I knew in my heart that if I said those words, they wouldn’t be completely true. My beloved Beth Moore said in her Esther bible study that “we trust God as long as He is doing what we say.” He was being a tad silent in the relationship department so He wasn’t exactly doing what I said. So I wasn’t really trust Him to deliver in His promise. As my tongue was working with my thoughts to say the partly untrue statement, all I could manage to get out was “God, I trust.” Period. God, I trust. I must have said those 3 words 100 times, trying to finish my original, partly false statement. But, I couldn’t. I mean I physically could not say anything but “God, I trust.” And I felt okay. I felt like I needed to just trust. Trust with no conditions, no finite parameters, just trust Him with all my heart and know that He keeps His word.

He isn’t concerned so much with my impatience but does hate when I feel lonely, cause He wants to be the one I turn to for comfort. He is jealous for me and desires to just have me trust that He alone is enough. And He is. Even when I don’t want to, He’s right there waiting, probably tapping His foot,
but waiting nonetheless for me to come to Him, tears and all, so He can fill the empty spaces I try to fill with people and activites. He knows me so well that He won’t even let me utter a lie to Him. He just wants me to trust. Period.

Dreaming Again

Last night, you invaded my dreams again. We had a very weird adventure riding elevators in a hotel. We stopped on the different floors and explored different rooms and secret hideaways. We ended up in a parking deck and you had a look on your face like you had something serious to tell me. You gave me a hug and whispered “Did you know that I still love you? I just wanted you to know that I still love you.” I was stunned. I felt the shock in my dream. I didn’t reply because I had no words for what was just said. Fast forward and I am face to face with someone who represents the wife because I have never met her. I had every intention of telling the wife what had transpired but for some reason, the words would not come out. I heard myself telling her what her husband had confessed to me but the words that came out of my mouth were a re-telling of the elevator adventures. I walked away feeling weird and confused. Not sure why you confessed those feelings of love to me. My feelings haven’t change. God saved me from you. Best of luck with your decision.