I Have It All Together: Fact or Fiction?

A few weeks ago, some girlfriends and I were having our usual post Fusion service chat over discount appetizers at Applebee’s. As we went around the table discussing various things going on in our lives, it was brought to light that I tend to not have many “issues” to work out or dissect.

Truth be told, in that moment, I didn’t.

I didn’t have any family drama to report on. No baby daddy issues. No crazy exes, current boo thangs, or crying fits over being single. No freaking out about my job, school, ministry, my every entertaining kids, the book project, direction in life or the like. I actually had to stop and think about the last time I had momentary lapse in sanity. The closest thing I could come up with was my Mother’s Day snafu with Aiden’s dad which in all honesty, wasn’t much to write home about.

But then those fatal words stabbed my heart: “You seem like you have it all together.”

Clearly, they could not have been talking about me. Some days, I consider myself an absolute hot mess.

After that conversation, I did some serious  soul-searching. Do I really give off the aire that I have it all together? Like I don’t have a care in the world? Like things are great and I never have any problems? I hope not because that is so far from the truth.

On any given day, I can be freaking about anything from being a single mom of two growing boys to my inability to return phone calls in a timely fashion. Or the fact that some days I battle with insecurities that rear their ugly heads or the fact that I have yet to finish my almost complete graduate program while others are breezing past me in academia. Or the fact that some days I feel isolated as a ministry coach or the fact that some days I have no clue why God picked me to be a leader in my generation. (Has He met me?!)

God gave me an interesting revelation a day or so after the chat with my friends. It wasn’t a “better than you” lofty perception of myself but more so my shift in the way I navigate through life that I needed to share with the hope that others would follow.

Some would think that because I don’t complain a lot, have meltdowns often or am battling issues often, I have it all together. So far from the truth. I live a life of thanks for what I have instead of complaining about what I don’t. I pray about everything instead of worrying about anything. I believe that God is my healer, my provider, my protector, my source of strength and my biggest cheerleader. I don’t have it all together, but I trust in the One that does.

I don’t have it all together. And neither does anyone else on Earth. My life gets out of balance, I cry, I have freak out moments. I realize I am still human and not immune to the troubles of life. Yet, I have learned that worrying doesn’t make any problem go away. Being anxious over the things I have no control over won’t grant me anymore leverage over the situation. Trying to save the world and everyone in it will only leave me disappointed and broken. I’ve learned to redirect my fears, doubts, insecurities and anxiety onto the One whose yoke is light enough to carry them all. Our human minds and bodies were not created to carry the weight of the world. Jesus already did that on the cross.

None of us have it all together. No one will ever arrive at the destination of “my life is perfect.” My life revolves around my constant, desperate need for my Savior. While I let Him do the hard work like keeping the infinite number of universes aligned and saving people from eternal damnation, He lets me spend my days bragging about how amazing He is. Can’t complain about that kind of trade-off.

 

 

Desires of the Heart

I can honestly confess that I am a hopeless optimist. On the surface, I tend to be a realist but underneath it all, I tend to really hope and believe that our wildest dreams and desires can actually happen. Psalm 37:3-4 tells us to “Trust in the LORD, and do good; dwell in the land, and feed on His faithfulness. Delight yourself also in the LORD, and He shall give you the desires of your heart.” I believe that whole heartedly. I believe that God knows the things that we secretly desire like marriage, children, to be significant in life. What I find interesting is the fact that sometimes God gives us desires that we never planned on having.

For the past couple of weeks, God has been stirring up desires in my heart that I could never even fathom on my own. Desires for more children, to be in full time ministry, and even leaving the work force to pursue His will for my life wholeheartedly. For someone who has been a mom since 17 then again at 25, having more children is one of those things that really scares the life out of me. It’s really one of the hardest jobs on Earth and starting all over again just never appealed to me. I have just recently settled on the idea of getting married in the future so the newly tendered desire to leave behind the security of making my own money leaves me a little speechless. I regularly pray for my future husband and continually ask God to align my heart with His will especially in this area. The more I pray, the more light He sheds on what my future will look like.

It’s overwhelming to say the least.

I was having one of my talks with God about marriage and the future, trying to figure out what type of man could possibly be a fit for me. My standard is certainly not a worldly standard and the more I draw near to Christ, the more I desire for a husband who is just as devoted to Him as I am. The more responsibility and leadership authority I attain makes me question whether or not there is someone who will even remotely understand that my heart lies with leading a generation of 20 somethings to the Kingdom and reaffirming the love of the Father in the  hearts of women. He settled my worries by impressing upon my heart the promise that He knows the desires of my heart for security, provision, and godly leadership in a husband. I laughed to myself when I settled into the idea that I don’t have to shy away from where God has called me because He is preparing someone for me who is walking along the same path.

He knows me so well.

No matter how overwhelming these new desires or old ones seem, being fearful of God’s will is an irrational fear. I know that anything that is of God is not a mistake. Proverbs 3:5-6 says “Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not into your own understanding, in all ways submit to Him, and He will make your paths straight.” The more I try to make sense of what God is doing in my life and in my heart, there more I allow my own fears and insecurities to try to choke the seeds that God has planted.

He knows the plan He has for me….and it is good.

Because Of You…

I was listening to the latest message from Craig Groeschel at Life Church tonight. The teaching series they are in is called “Because Of You.” I just happened to stumble across the live streaming while downloading their free Christmas album entitled Carols. In this particular message, the lead verse was 2 Corinthians 9:13 which says:

“Because of the service by which you have proved yourselves, others will praise God for the obedience that accompanies your confession of the gospel of Christ, and for your generosity in sharing with them and with everyone else.”

I listened to Pastor Craig recap some of the life changing experiences he has had over the years because of his ministry and desire to serve others. He highlighted people from the various Life Church locations and their service to that location, the community and the world. Everyone from small group leaders, community activists, greeters, ushers and missionaries play their part in spreading the gospel, impacting community and changing lives.

I stopped to think about the impact that I am making because of my dedication to serving others through my young adult ministry.  In all honesty, there are plenty of days where I feel like I am not really doing a good enough job of reaching anyone. I am not the most proactive with sharing my faith. I tend to do a wonderful job keeping Christians saved but not such a hot job in bringing the unsaved to Christ. The past couple of weeks had me really leaning on God to deal with some obstacles that came my way (hence my lapse in posting). Rarely does a Wednesday pass by without some crisis situation falling onto my lap. I try my best to navigate through the storms with the people involved but I sometimes feel like I am in over my head.

God has been speaking to me about being a chosen one. For several days before my latest crisis, I kept hearing and seeing the words “chosen one” everywhere I went. From the quiet whisper in my ear at work, to a message from Pastor D, to a devotional I found in my email from 5 months ago, to a wet floor sign in the cafeteria of my office building (it literally had the word “chosen” written on a piece of masking tape), God has been trying to show me that I am the one He chose to do the tasks that He has commissioned for me. There is so much work that needs to be done for the kingdom and He has chosen me to do it.

Me. The most unlikely of people and He chose me. He chose to love me despite my faults and sin so that I could be a witness to others who are far from Him. He chose me to do things that only I am supposed to do. There are so many people I am supposed to meet, to pray for, to pray with, to bring to salvation.

Because of me, women will know their worth and beauty in Christ.

Because of me, women in the sex trade will know that God has not forgotten them.

Because of me, people will know that there is no sin that God has not already overcome.

Because of me, people will read words that I write, inspired by God and know that there are other people that have overcome the same obstacles that they are facing today.

Because of me, the next round of young adult leaders will have the support they need to lead our generation.

Because of me, my boys will know what it mean to love and fear the Lord and not be ashamed of it.

Because of me, people will know that life is so much more than the circumstances they are in.

Because of me, God is glorified because of my inadequacy.

Galatians 6:9 says “Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up.” Being a servant of God can be overwhelming and sometimes it feels like the cost is more than the reward. But at the end of the day, the work that we do for the Kingdom is doing more than we may ever know. Pastor Johnson once said that many of us may not see our reward on this side of Heaven but know that there is an eternal reward that far exceeds our understanding. I believe that.

Whose life has been impacted because of you? Think about it.

Beautiful Feet

I’m having a post Fusion hang over right now so I’m trying to mentally and physically prepare myself to lead my small group in an outreach downtown this evening. Wednesdays are always my long days so being a mental zombie on Thursday mornings is not uncommon. Since yesterday consisted of a LOT of running around from one side of our massive main building, high energy worship, emotional altar call, late night meal with a friend, and a couple of hours of writing and plenty of insomnia, I finally made it to bed at about 4:30 AM .

Missed my 7AM alarm and woke up t 8:01, one minute after the time I should have been checking in my 4-year-old at school. Thank God he didn’t put up his cry fest while getting dressed cause I probably would have sat in the corner and cried from exhaustion. Walked outside only to have a squirrel fall out of the tree onto the ground and me nearly crushing him. My 13-year-old fumble around and at the threat of missing his bus, he finally got this act together and got dressed. I made a mad dash to the school only to have my kid finally melt down at the thought of having to wash his hands before going into the classroom (they have to wash their hands before breakfast but since we were late, he had cereal at home). With me near the brink of tears out of frustration and exhaustion, his teacher scooped him up and let me sneak out. As I exited the building, the director gave me a little brown bag with orange juice and a muffin since it was parent appreciation day. I needed that.

An hour late for work, I am relieved that I don’t have much to do and anticipated catching up on some sleep in my car during an extended lunch (yep, I do that). My boss deflated my dream when he mentioned a last minute morning meeting, a 2:00 PM conference call and another meeting after that. I felt like I could probably fall asleep standing up if forced to, my body ached, my head hurt, and though I had an amazing spiritual encounter last night, I was drained of any spirit this morning. I had no clue how I was going to muster up the energy to prepare for my group tonight.

For some reason, I decided to scroll through my phone and look at pictures. Odd because I was not in the mood for anything, let alone browsing through random snapshots. But then I saw this:

This was a picture of my missions team at the orphanage we visited while in Peru this past June. The kids were amazing and watched as we performed our drama and did worship songs with them. The most touching moment was when the pastor (guy in the tan jacket on the right) over the orphanage, prayed a blessing over us (in spanish of course) before we left.  He recited Isaiah 52:7 which says “How beautiful on the mountains are the feet of the messenger who brings good news, the good news of peace and salvation, the news that the God of Israel reigns!”

Beautiful are the feet of those that bring the Good News. How ironic is it that my small group is going to do an outreach to minister to people and God reminds me how beautiful the feet are of those that share His message. There are plenty of days where I am running off of fumes doing ministry work, but I love it. I love the people I lead, I love the people I meet, I love the people I minister to, I love the lives that are changed and the seeds of hope that are sown. I love the fact that God provides me with that supernatural strength and unending grace to press forward.

I am awake, revived and ready. I want to lead my group of radical young believers who want to speak a word over the valley of dry bones. Tonight is going to be amazing.

Thank God for the Sabbath.

Bigger Than Me

I love being apart of something that is bigger than me. Something that allows me to just play a small role in the grand scheme of things. Something to leave my mark on so I can look back and know I made a difference, even in what I think is insignificant way. I love being apart of God’s master plan, apart of a ministry that is devoted to changing the direction of a generation. I love living life with people who are passionate about change.

Today God showed me that what I do, the people I meet, the people that I lead, the ministry that I serve, the random acts of kindness, the listening ear, that one extra phone call, that one “Hey, I’m just checking on you” text message, that silent prayer, it’s all so much bigger than I can imagine. I’ve never had a day like this before that left me having to seriously lean on God and pray before I took action.

It started with an urgent cry for help at 7:00 AM on Facebook and it didn’t end until well after midnight. I was operating on what seemed like strategic tactial mode the whole day. From a chance encounter with a dear old friend, to the series of cryptic updates on someone who fell off the grid, to the silent prayers and worry of someone I Shepard, to a friend going through the hardest time in her life, I was realizing that this life, this calling, this purpose is so much bigger than me. My mere existence in this natural world is all for a grander plan in the supernatural. God is so precise with our lives and the people He puts in them. We have to always be aware of the power that He gives us because you never know when you are going to have to utilize your gifts to get through a 24 hour time span.

This one day was filled with so many up and down emotions, so many tears, so many prayers, but so little focus on myself. This day was not about me at all. It was about me realizing that I have no room to be selfish because I have no idea how far my ripple effect stretches. I have been equipped with the wisdom, discernment and sheer passion for God’s people to be such a vital instrument in His master plan. I just didn’t know it until today. I haven’t been called to just sit back and let someone else lead the way. I have been given the authority to be the one leading the way.

For a brief moment in time, I seriously questioned whether or not I was really capable of leading my generation in the Fusion Ministry. Most days I felt like I hadn’t quite got my footing though people often applauded my work. That little bit of fear and uncertainty was causing me to almost consider taking the easy way out and letting someone more experienced take the wheel. But God knew better than to let me give up. How does He show me how equipped I really am? By throwing me in a world wind of events that let me relying on Him completely. In my weakness, He was strong. Where He is strong, I am strong.

This bigger plan is not about my level of knowledge or experience. It’s about my level of dependency on Him to get the job done. Gideon is one of my favorites in the Bible. Weak in his own faith in himself, God used Him to do amazing things…all because He got his source of strength from God. Fusion is about to undergo so crazy, God centered, mind blowing changes and it excites me every time I think about it. He is about to open the flood gates in the city and send people in our direction in ways we can barely imagine. And He needs me there to be apart of it. He needs me there because in that crowd, there is someone I am supposed to meet. There is some one’s life I am supposed to impact with a message from God.

It maybe just one life, it maybe 1,000. Who knows? Who cares? This thing is bigger than me anyway. I’m just along for the ride.

My Life

It’s been a few days since I last made an entry and I hate that. Especially hate that this 90 day devotional is taking a bit longer than 90 days. Well actually I don’t mind that so much. I have never been one for reading a devotional every single day but I do try to get it in every couple of days. It also allows me a bit of time to reflect on random revelations that I have in the mean time.

Anyway, my thoughts are with Keith, Alycha, Cristal and Kemesha in Mexico. I have an extra soft spot for mission work though I have never been on a missions trip. Its just something about devoting your life and purpose to spreading the gospel to people that may not otherwise hear about Jesus that just amazes me. It’s mind numbing to think about all the countries in the world that do not have a large Christian population. In these days, I am constantly reminded about how Paul talks about singleness being a gift. Had I come to embrace God as a teen, I probably would not have gotten pregnant out of wedlock, which kinda limits my ability to do international missions work. Limits but not stop. But a friend reminded me on FB yesterday that everyone has a different path to take. I know for a fact that if Gavin had not been born, I would not be in Georgia and Aiden definitely would not be here. Everything works divinely according to God’s plan. I’m sure He didn’t intend on me having 2 kids outside of marriage but He is allowing me to still be present and accounted to do His business.

I’ve decided to answer the call and join Nate’s team to help expand his ministry. Nate is an awesome man of God and has a heart the size of an ocean. I have taken a mom and daughter into my home while they get back on their feet and its all possible because Nate has this crazy way of making things happen. Well actually, Nate is very obedient to God’s directions and calls upon other people that he knows are equally obedient. I think this ministry is going to be something amazing and he is rallying a good group of people to help stand behind it. Grateful that he can see my heart for God and His people. Means I am doing something right. Score one for the kingdom.

I’m am still listening out for God to give me some direction on my calling. In the mean time, I am enjoying the place that I am in and the people around me. I couldn’t ask for a better community of people around me that truly know the importance of keeping God first, obey His commands and having a heart for others. I have some great friends that I can call upon when in need and for them to help keep me accountable of my actions. Now it’s time for me to continue pressing forward, stepping up and out with boldness and courage. The harvest is always plentiful but the laborers are few. Working to bring more laborers into the Kingdom to be about our Father’s business.