Mirror Mirror On The Wall…

I have this weird quirk. Whenever I am brushing my teeth in the morning, I can never sit and watch myself in the mirror. It’s been a habit for as long as I can remember. I don’t know where it came from and I only realized that I do it maybe a year ago.

Go figure.

Yet this morning something strange happened. As I brushed my teeth while fixing my eyes on the IKEA catalog on my counter, I could have sworn I heard a voice over my shoulder. Not a 5 year old voice asking for cereal or a 13 year old voice asking why I forgot Pop Tarts. I heard this:

“You are fearfully and wonderfully made.”

Mind you it was 9:00 AM, I was barely awake, and I really wasn’t too concerned about my looks.

Or was I?

Was what I considered a quirky nuisance really the manifestation of lies that I had believed for longer than I can remember? I look in the mirror all the time so that can’t be it. Sure there are things I wish I could change (or have just been to busy to try to change) but for the most part, I can say I am not flooded with insecurity.

Not sure what to make of that voice that I heard in my bathroom, I sat for a few minutes…and looked in the mirror. I stared at myself and could hear the lies that I secretly believed in private while sharing with others how fearfully and wonderfully made they were. I was able to show others the beauty in who God made them to be all the while not truly believing those truths on a daily basis.

God really does have a way of coming to me right where I am. When I least expect it, He speaks the loudest. He doesn’t give me time to rationalize or gather my thought because I know all the right things to say, even if my heart isn’t in it.

A couple of weeks ago, I asked God to make my heart line up with my words. He never misses a beat.

Other Side Of The Altar

 

Last was an epic night. And I do mean EPIC. Last night was one of those nights where I was READY to battle the enemy for the hearts and souls of the captives that are being bound by sin and heartache. Last night was a night were I knew lies, deceptions, heartache, shame, guilt, fear, insecurities, doubt, sin and condemnation would be warring in the spiritual realm with the mercy, love, grace and forgiveness that are in Jesus.

Jesus was of course victorious.

Last at Fusion, United Pursuit Band set the atmosphere on fire with their amazing worship set. The sanctuary was packed with people and I knew the majority came because of the band. Yet, the night could not have been more perfect with a full house, amazing worship from one of my favorite bands, and a message on healing from heartbreak.

The night meant a lot for me because it was the healing from heartbreak night on September 9, 2009 that literally saved my life. And I do mean literally saved me. I was that girl who had more emotional, spiritual and physical damage than most could even believe to this day. I was teetering on the brink of destruction. But God had been tugging at my heart for months and somehow I found myself at Fusion on that night, only my 3rd time visiting.

It was that night that I came face to face with Jesus.

It was that night that I was set free from a life that was bound to kill me.

It was that night where I laid my life down at the altar and left all my sin and shame at the feet of my Savior.

Last night I was on the other side of the altar. Last night I got to witness God literally move in the hearts of hundreds of people. Last night, I was the one praying for people to be set free, for chains to be broke, for hearts to be healed, for marriages to be restored, for white robes of righteousness to be draped over weary shoulders.

In 2009, I abandoned my own fears and cried tears of pain and joy onto the shoulder of a complete stranger at the altar. Last night, I became that stranger to someone else. God really does make everything work together for our good and His glory. Never in a million years would I have thought that I would be in a place where God is using me to reach His children. Never would I have thought that all my past sins are now resting beneath the feet of Jesus and have become a

living testimony that I can use to show others how powerful God really is.

Never would I have thought I would be the one on the other side of the altar.

 

Fusion

Reblogged from An Exposed Life:

Today was our first Fusion back for January. Fusion is a young adult ministry for 18-30 year olds to connect and hear about Jesus. As I was walking through the hallways at Fusion. I saw this girl with a shirt that said "I'm Ready" on it. I stopped her and asked what her shirt meant. She said that her shirt meant that she was ready for whatever 2012 had for her.

Read more… 75 more words

I'm ready 2012!

My Life In Pictures

Photo by Ira Gelb

Photo by me, courtesy of my HTC Evo

Photo by Joy Wang (fellow Peru missionary)

For a few weeks now, I have had this overwhelming desire to start chronicling my life through pictures. I tend to get a lot of visions and images in my head that I wish I could capture in a photo to share here. I am probably the least creative person on earth but photography has always been something I have been fascinated with. A picture can literally be worth a thousand words.

Considering my tendency to shy away from all things creative (outside of writing), this whole photography thing is certainly a God nudge. And considering the fact that I have found a couple of ways to talk myself out of it, it probably is a God thing. But of course, God knows how to place people and resources in my path to keep me from holding onto my excuses. Thanks Shaari and Amber for the advice.

Do Something…

Since learning about the injustice of human trafficking a few years ago, my heart has never been the same. After coming face to face with a girl that I helped rescue from sex slavery, I knew that this was a cause that I was supposed to commit my life to. Growing up, I fit the criteria of one of those at risk girls in danger of being trafficked. But it was certainly God’s grace and His hand over my life that kept me from turning down a road that I was not meant to travel down.

My heart still breaks for this cause but I feel guilty for not spending much energy and focus on it in 2011. Leading a small group, mentoring women, raising kids and a host of other reasons started to become more and more important than this issue that still tugged at my heart almost daily. I had every intention of doing another donation drive for Wellspring Living during the Christmas holiday but talked myself out of it.  It wasn’t until I was at my church’s Thirst service being immersed in 2 hours of nonstop prayer and worship that I heard God speak to me about what I had been ignoring.

“Do something.”

Two words that brought me to tears. Do something.

Christine Caine, one of my favorite speakers and advocates against human trafficking was in town during this time at the annual Passion Conference hosted by Passion City Church. 45,000 college age students from all over the world had descended upon Atlanta to have their hearts ignited to proclaim the name of Jesus and also to be informed that right now 27 million people are being held in slavery. 27 million people are slaves around this world, more than any other time in history. 1.4 million of those slaves are being held in forced sex slavery. Christine and her husband founded the A21 Campaign in an attempt to do something to end modern day slavery in our life time. I heard her speak for the first time over a year ago when she came to my church’s women’s conference. To this day, I still wear my A21 “Because” bracelet to remind me why I speak out against human trafficking.

Because 27 million people are counting on someone to do something.

Because even though 27 million people is a huge number, all I need to do is focus on 1. Saving 1 person makes the efforts worth it.

If 45,000 broke college students can raise over $3 million dollars in 4 days to fight human trafficking, I know I can do something. I felt proud to know that there are now 45,000 more young adults who are aware of this injustice who had a chance to hear Christine’s heart for this cause. 45,000 more people whose lives were probably changed and are now committed to taking the gospel and their new found knowledge to their countries and communities. I am even more proud of the fact that the light is starting to shine on Atlanta, my city that happens to have one of the highest rates of children in sex slavery in the US.

There are plenty of stories just like Natalia’s below. It’s time to do something. 27 million  people are waiting.

“The Spirit of the Sovereign LORD is on me, because the LORD has anointed me to proclaim good news to the poor. He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim freedom for the captives and release from darkness for the prisoners, to proclaim the year of the LORD’s favor and the day of vengeance of our God, to comfort all who mourn,  and provide for those who grieve in Zion— to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of joy instead of mourning, and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair. They will be called oaks of righteousness, a planting of the LORD  for the display of his splendor.” Isaiah 61:1-7

Detox

Right now I am right in the middle of my church’s 21 day corporate fast. It’s something we do every year as a church and for the first time, its something I was looking forward to this year. There are so many things I am looking for clarity on so I went into this fast with the expectation that God would shed some light on things I needed an answer to.

But, in God’s wonderful way, He tends to shed light on things that He knows I need to focus on instead of my agenda. Yet, again Father, You win.

I wrote about the vision that God gave me about returning to righteousness and turning my heart back towards Him. I thought a lot about those visions and the words He spoke to me. At least I thought I did. Clearly a life that reflects righteousness and holiness is something I strive for so why not make that a priority? But I had other things that seemed to take precedent over my journey to righteousness. When the fast started, I prayed my check list of prayers that I needed answers to. My own agenda. My own needs. Not His will.

Thankfully, He has the tendency to show me areas of my life that still need some attention even when I think I am fine. Each day as I read my fasting booklet and my Bible, He showed me sin in my life that I am still entertaining. He showed me areas that I have still been compromising on instead of taking a firm stance against. He showed me my heart that has a tendency to be lukewarm and complacent. He showed me my struggle with trusting Him completely and my lack of courage to be bold for Him.

Not really what I was looking forward to during my fast but in all honesty, I welcome the revelations and convictions. It’s a new year and it’s already past time to leave behind the issues that keep me from hearing and seeing God move in my life like He should. It’s past time for being lukewarm, complacent, fearful and questioning God. Proverbs: 3-5-6 says for me to “trust in the Lord with all my heart and lean not unto my own understanding and in all my ways submit to Him and He will make my paths straight.”

I feel like I am going through detox. Like I am being purged of my filthy rags, my unclean heart and my unhealthy spirit. “Who may ascend the hill of the Lord? Or who may stand in His holy place? He who has clean hands and a pure heart, who has not lifted up his soul to an idol, nor sworn deceitfully. He shall receive blessings from the Lord and righteousness from the God of his salvation.” Psalm 24:3-5. Thanks Amber for that reminder.

The answer to my check list of prayers lies on the other side of my hesitation to trust God completely and my hesitation to die to myself daily. My road to righteousness starts with clean hands and a pure heart.

I’m ready.

Little Girl Lost

One of my favorite hobbies is people watching. I have learned that you can find out so much about people when you sit back in silence and observe their behavior. From their subtle body language, inflections in their voice, and their appearance, every little details sheds a little light on who they are. The one consistent thing I have learned about people after years of watching from afar in the mall, stores, restaurants, church where ever, is that people have an innate desire for attention.

A few days before Christmas, I was having lunch with a friend at a popular sushi restaurant. I positioned myself so that I could see the masses of people coming and going into the restaurant and the neighboring shops. It was a bit chilly that day despite us having an abnormally warm winter thus far. Yet, I couldn’t help notice that short skirts, low tops, high heels and bare legs were in an abundance. Mind you, I dine at this restaurant quite often so I can safely say it’s not 5 star and upscale so the need for attention grabbing outfits just seemed out-of-place. I watched as women nervously pulled and tugged at their skirts in an attempt to sit down somewhat lady like without flashing her goods to the whole restaurant. Their male companions spent more time burning a hole throw their clothes with their eyes than offering to pull their chair out from the table. Women, young teenagers and older, all felt the need to dress for attention because clearly their attire was not meant for comfort.

I couldn’t help but wonder if these women knew that they were still beautiful without the immodest clothes, heavy make up, and high heels. We live in a sexually charged society that glorifies outward appearances as opposed to nurturing inward beauty and esteem. I can remember being a little girl and being told that I had to make sure I always dressed nicely so that boys would like me. That mentality stuck with me for years and coupled with my attention starved daddy issues, I was placed on a path of unhealthy attention seeking actions and mindsets. I was those very same women standing outside in the cold with short skirts and desperate for someone to tell me I was pretty.

I was a little girl lost. A little girl trapped inside the body of a grown woman, still looking for affirmation and attention. No one ever told me to value myself and to not allow my way of dress to be for the sole purpose of garnering attention from men. No one told me that men should respect me and not make me feel like I have to look a certain way to be worthy of their time and attention. I don’t think anyone told those girls who were standing in the cold either with their skimpy clothes and pleading eyes.

Thankful, I have a renewed mind, a healed heart and the love of Jesus to remind me that I am beautiful even when I don’t confirm to the way the world says I should look. Sure, I still love dressing up, makeup, dresses and heels, but it’s never to catch the eye of a man and never to the point where I am causing any man to lust after me. I respect myself enough to dress appropriately, yet feminine. I never have to worry about flashing too much cleavage or with dresses short enough to expose anything. I don’t allow my form of dress to dictate how people think they can treat me. I wish all women knew that if you dress like you are looking for sex, don’t be surprised when that’s all he wants from you.

1 Peter 3:3-4 says it best:

Your beauty should not come from outward adornment, such as elaborate hairstyles and the wearing of gold jewelry or fine clothes.  Rather, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God’s sight.

Every little girl who is lost in the world was bought at a price and should glorify God with her body because of that very act of love and sacrifice. There is no need to dress half-naked in order to get the attention of a man who really isn’t worth it because he has no clue how to respect you because you are setting the bar pretty low. Seek  love, affirmation and identity in Christ, the true lover of your soul and protector of your heart.

My New Years Resolutions…As Told By My Savior

I went to IHOP on December 19 and these are the words that I wrote down in my journal, just as they came to me. Clearly the words of my Savior, speaking to my heart. I will let these words be my New Years resolutions.

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Turn your affections back to Me. Back to Jesus. Look towards the cross and know the promises I have made to you.

Do not shy away from where I have called you out of fear of not being rewarded your heart’s desire. Be faithful in the seasons that I have placed you and allow Me to do a work in your heart because there is still work to be done.

Do not desire the things other people have because what I have for you is for you alone. Don’t worry about anything as long as your gaze is fixed on Me and the Kingdom of Heaven. Sometimes the sounds of the world are too loud to hear My voice but know I speak when you seek Me.

I hear your prayers and I see your heart. I am not silent and I am not far from you. I need you to seek My face and die to your own desires each day. I desire your heart, your mind, your spirit, your attention, your adoration.

You are my Beloved. I have burned away the sin and shame and made a new creation out of you. My work is never in vain and you are here because I specifically chose you. I appointed you to live in this season. I chose you to be my messenger and share my love with others.

Don’t let fear, insecurity, doubt of the unknown or unseen keep you off due course. There are words to be written that come from My lips and flow through your pen. There are people who need Me and they need to see Me through you. Show them who I am to you.

Love Me, worship Me, follow Me, share My story, share your story. Allow Me to finish writing the next chapters in your life. Trust that I know what is best for you and I know what you deserve. Don’t worry about the process, just continue to pursue my will for you and the rest will be revealed.

Our Father is a jealous God and a loving protective and devoted Father. Don’t allow the temptations of this world to steal your affections. Turn your heart back towards Me and allow Me to show myself faithful to you. God’s grace is sufficient to cover you during this season. I am more than enough for you. Trust and know that.

Seasons change. I don’t.

Pure in heart. Pure in mind. Pure in spirit. Reclaim purity to children of Christ.

I’ve washed you white as snow but your robes still gather dirt and filth. My love is never ending, my sacrifice was for you, my blood still cleans, still purifies, still heals, still saves.

Don’t let your robes keep getting dirty when I have already made them clean. Clean hands should handle your kingdom robes and crown.

Stop playing in the dirt when I have already made you clean. Dust yourself off and wash your hands in the stream of living water that flows from My heart. Prepare your heart. I am coming.