Asking All The Wrong Questions

A few weeks ago, I ran across an article at Relevant Magazine by Ally Spotts entitled “What’s The Big Deal About Waiting For Marriage?” The focus was of course why it is important to wait for marriage to have sex. I enjoy scouring the internet in search of various perspectives from young adults on why saving it for your spouse is so important. I’ve read plenty of books, blogs, and articles from men and women who did it “the right way” but I tend to enjoy reading from people who are like me. People who have spent years caught up in the vicious cycle of sex, sin and low self-esteem only to later realize that we have been doing life all wrong.

I enjoyed Ally’s commentary on the subject and decided to spend the 99 cents on her newly published e-book that goes more in-depth into sex, value and honoring God. It was 99 cents well spent.

Her book, Asking All The Wrong Questions, doesn’t tread lightly on the subject. She is very honest about her own mistakes as a young women who sought value and affections by way of sex before marriage. I enjoyed the fact that her words didn’t leave you feeling like you are the biggest disappointment to God if you have had sex without the ring. She reaffirms the fact that God still loves us and uses plenty of scripture to re-enforce how worthy and valuable God sees us, even in the midst of our sin.

With only 47 pages, it’s a quick read but still carries enough weight to make you want to hold the mirror up to your life and see if sex is really worth it. And trust me…it’s not. Check your couch cushions, bottom of your purse, and the cup holders in your car for some change and buy this insightful e-book. Good stuff.

Alienation of Affection

About a year ago, I learned the term “alienation of affection.” I first heard about it when R&B singer Fantasia was sued by her lover’s wife because supposedly, her stealing the affections of the husband away from the wife caused the demise of their marriage. Affairs happen all the time but I never knew it was against the law in some states. Go figure.

According to FreeDictionary.com, alienation of affections is defined as:

The wrongful or injurious act of interfering with an affectionate relationship so that one person loses affection for the other.

I know plenty of people who have ended relationships and marriages because of infidelity and there are never any winners when something like that happens. Hearts are broken, trust is shattered, blame is thrown around and lives are rarely the same afterwards.  Jeremiah 17:9 tells us that the heart is deceitful above all things and desperately wicked, yet, we allow our heart to lead us into situations that end up costing us so much.

It’s easy to look from the outside in and think about how tragic it is for people who have to go through issues of alienation of affection in their relationship. Yet, how often do we stop and think about our own issues of alienation of affection with our own bridegroom Jesus Christ? How often do third parties creep up into our own lives and steal our affections away from Christ?

Yep, I went there.

When I was in the IHOP prayer room a week ago, aside from getting such a detailed vision about righteousness, I took out my pen and journal and just started writing the words that came to me. After a few minutes, I looked down and had about 5 pages of words that clearly were written as if Jesus Himself were speaking to me. And this is what He said to me as I wrote it on the page:

“Turn your affections back to Me. Don’t let the temptations of this world steal your affections from Me. Turn your heart back towards Me and allow Me to show myself faithful to you.”

I was in awe. No matter how much I hear from Him, it still blows me away that my Savior, the lover of my soul speaks to me. He loves me with a love that is indescribable and even when I stray, like any devoted lover should, He desires to pull my heart and affections back towards Him.

The words on those pages made me really stop and think about what He was saying. My whole heart was not turned towards Him. I was allowing other things and people to steals bits of my heart which should be fully devoted to Him. It was a reality check because I seriously thought I was doing good with my relationship with Christ.

I prayed. Check.

I read my Bible. Check.

I told other people about Him. Check.

Heck, I even spent the last year leading a small group and mentoring women close to me. Check.

But then it hit me. Jesus is not impressed with my list of checked boxes. He is concerned about my heart, my own guilty case of alienation of affection. Matthew 7:21-23 is my sobering reality. It says, “Not everyone who says to me, ‘Lord, Lord,’ will enter the kingdom of heaven, but only the one who does the will of my Father who is in heaven. Many will say to me on that day, ‘Lord, Lord, did we not prophesy in your name and in your name drive out demons and in your name perform many miracles?’ Then I will tell them plainly, ‘I never knew you. Away from me, you evildoers!’”

I had to stop and think about where my heart has been because Matthew 6:21 reminds me that where my treasure is, there my heart will be also. What has stolen my affections and attention from my Savior?

Facebook? Friends? My own personal agenda? Fear of the unknown? Desires of the heart? Worry? Money? Job seeking? The list could go on and on I’m sure. In my head, my relationship with Christ was where I thought it should be but clearly I was wrong. This revelation is very timely and a much needed reality check. It has shown me that my focus has shifted and I didn’t even realize it. More than anything, it answered the question I had been posing to God about whether or not He heard some of my prayers because somethings still weren’t coming to pass. His comforting and convicting response to me the day after my IHOP visit:

“I can’t give you what you desire the most because you will love it more than Me. Turn your heart towards Me.”

I had to write that on a Post It Note as a reminder of how much He values my heart. I had been robbing my Savior of affections and adoration that He so rightly deserves. I had been following my own deceitful heart and stepped off the path that leads me to the heart of Christ. I had gotten into a routine of checking boxes of works when I should have been checking my heart to make sure the flame was still burning strongly for Him.  It’s times like this I am thankful for conviction that leads to repentance and for the grace that allows me to correct my heart.

With the new year approaching, now is the perfect time to take a hard look at where we have allowed our affections to be stolen by other things. Time to stop putting time, energy and focus into things that aren’t pleasing or bringing glory to God. He is a jealous God who wants all of our heart and affections, not just what is left over after we give bits and pieces to things that don’t matter.

“Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it.” Proverbs 4:23 (NIV)

White Robes of Righteousness

I like the fact that God takes His time to speak quietly to me. Rarely do I hear Him audibly (though I have before), but I usually “hear” Him speak to me with a simple word or phrase. Maybe a dream, a vision, or just a tug at my heart. Most of the time, I try my best to follow through with what He says but other times, I fall short. Life gets in the way or I get in the way. No matter what, it’s no excuse.

A week ago today, I learned about the passing of my friend Joyia Kelly. Most of the day moved like a blurry, slow motion movie.  I wished that the Furnace was open so I could spend some quiet time with God to let my thoughts work themselves out. Since that wasn’t an option, I decided that if I could squeeze in some time, I needed to make my way to the 24 hour prayer room at the International House of Prayer (IHOP). I hadn’t been to IHOP in months but every time I go, I always leave with a word from God. That night was no different. My friend Catharine and I sat back and listened to the acoustic worship set in the nearly empty prayer room and we both immediately soaked in the presence of the Holy Spirit. I closed my eyes and let God speak to me in any way He wanted to. This is what I saw:

I started to get this vision in black and white. It was raining and I was standing near a merry-go-round. There were little children spinning on the merry-go-round getting drenched by the rain. They were small children, all different races and nationalities, all laughing as the merry-go-round spun around. As the rain fell harder, some of the kids began to play in the mud puddles surrounding the merry-go-round. They rolled around in the mud and their clothes became filthy. I stood by watching the merry-go-round spin and the kids playing in the mud while it rained. Oddly enough no matter how hard it rained, the water did not wash away the dirt and mud.

I walked towards the merry-go-round and things started moving in slow motion. There were kids that were still spinning around and others jumping up and down in mud puddles covering themselves more and more with mud and water. Some of the kids stopped and stared at me and I realized they were starting to cry. Even the kids holding onto the spinning merry-go-round were crying. I stood in the rain not knowing what to do to comfort them. When the merry-go-round stopped spinning, the kids that were on board climbed off and stood in the mud puddles with the others. They all looked around as if dazed and confused about what to do next since the fun seemed to be over.

Out of the corner of my eye, I saw a hand extend towards them. I couldn’t turn my head to see whose arm it was but I could tell that person was wearing a white robe because I could see the white cuffs. One by one, a few of the children walked towards the extended hand. I was then able to turn my head but I could only see a man walking away, dressed in a white robe and bathed in a white light, with the children who decided to follow him in tow. The man stopped and knelt down to the child standing in front of him. He placed his hands on the child’s shoulder and immediately the rain began to wash away the mud on their clothes. The man reached to his side and pulled out a little white robe that he placed on the little child who then skipped away in slow motion. The rest of the children that followed the man each stood in front of him, allowed the mud to be washed away, and skipped away in a clean white robe.

The children that stayed behind in their mud puddles turned away and began pushing the merry-go-round, dancing away in the mud and rain. I stood there watching the children in the rain wondering why they didn’t follow the man so they could get a clean white robe. I turned back towards where my eyes had left the man in the white robe but he was no where to be found. All that was left were the little children, dancing in the sunlight around a tree in the middle of the playground, with their white robes bellowing in the wind. Some of the children would stumble but their robes remained white as snow.

When I opened my eyes and remembered I was in the IHOP prayer room, all I kept hearing was the word righteousness. It’s funny because I have been thinking about righteousness for several days now and how God is always calling us to live holy and righteous. I listened to Pastor Johnson’s message on the Spirit of Jezebel the other day and felt my heart burn with the desire to remind people of His command. That is by far one of the most life changing messages I have ever heard and it’s one that always echos in my mind whenever I am conflicted about how I am living my life.

I am not one for deciphering dreams or visions but I do believe this one was as clear as day. God sees us all as His children. The world is our playground and at some point, the merry-go-round stops spinning and the world stops being fun and satisfying. At that point we have a choice. We can choose to follow Him, be washed cleaned from the mud and filth the world has left us with and enjoy a life of righteousness. Or we can choose to turn our back and go back to the familiar merry-go-round, mud and rain. A never-ending, unsatisfying cycle that will leave us dirty, wet and alone. Unfortunately, it is a choice that many will ignore. Many will decide that what the world offers is more than enough while others will come to know the truth. The truth is that the world will never satisfy, never be enough, never leave you whole, clean and redeemed. But again, it is a choice and no one is innocent of the truth.

I will take my white robe of righteousness any day.

Sexual Healing

I am always a fan when it comes to young people promoting purity. Not just abstinence (no sex) because God desires for us to be pure in all areas of our life. Far too many young Christian girls and women are walking around doing everything but having sexual intercourse thinking they are pure. The Bible tells us to flee from ALL sexual immorality…period.

One of my favorite scriptures on purity is the verse inscribed on my purity ring. 1 Timothy 4:12 says “Don’t let anyone look down on you because you are young, but set an example for the believers in speech, in conduct, in love, in faith and in purity.” My prayer is that more young people stop conforming to the ways of the world by giving into to the temptations of sex before marriage.

Been there, done that, it’s not worth it.

Purity is the road less traveled and it takes a strong man or woman in Christ to make and keep that commitment. The lies we hear is that everyone is having sex when that is far from the truth. A few minutes of empty pleasure is not worth the years of shame and guilt that follows. God desires for His children to live by a higher standard. A standard that is full of reward and promise in the end, unlike worldly sex outside of the covenant of marriage.

God made sex so it is amazing by default. Yet, He made it to be enjoyed between a husband and a wife. Nothing more, nothing less.

Everyone is NOT doing it.

Wait…because it is worth it.

Live Life With Purpose

Everyone is meant to live a life of significance. Everyone is meant to leave a mark on this Earth; a legacy for generations to come. Many live mundane, routine, safe lives. Few live their lives in such a way that hearts are truly changed just because their paths crossed.

Good thing I had the honor and privilege of knowing a beautiful woman who lived a life of significance, purpose, inspiration, hope, unwavering faith, and love. Joyia Kelly’s story is one that only God Himself could pen. I will never forget praying for her before I even met her face to face. I was new to Fusion and Victory World Church and all I knew was that my new small group spent time in prayer for a girl named Joyia who was in the hospital delivering twins and fighting for her life because she had a severe heart  and lung condition. A year later, I found myself at the cross at Victory along with other Fusion members praying for Joyia who was again fighting for her life. I only knew her in passing but my heart was burdened to pray for this young wife and mother who obviously had more fight in her left because by God’s grace, she pulled through yet again.

Over the course of the next year, I cannot count the number of times Joyia and I have laughed, joked, danced during praise and worship, hugged, cried, gushed over her miracle babies Journi and Lyric, prayed and spoke encouraging words over each other. She never passed up a chance to give me writing advice and always kept me updated on her own book writing experience. I remember being at the Victory World Music concert together just last month and she grabbed my hand tightly. One of the graphics during a song was the very same book cover design she had just picked out for her book Blue Baby and it gave her chills of excitement.

My heart was broken Monday morning to learn that Joyia had passed away the night before. So many heart felt condolences were posted on her and her husband’s Facebook pages. She loved and trusted God like no one else I had ever met and lived her life according to His plan. She beat the odds time and time again because she was meant to marry her wonder husband Courtney. She was meant to give birth to her now 2 year old twins daughters Journi and Lyric after doctors told her she would not survive the pregnancy. She was meant to write her book so she could share her story with the world. She was meant to meet each and every person that she did, leaving a smile upon every heart she touched. And she was meant to finally rest in the arms of her Heavenly Father who I am sure is beyond proud of His good and faithful servant.

Though the pain of losing Joyia won’t go away anytime soon, I am grateful to be able to celebrate her life with those she has touched. She lived her life on purpose and with significance. This video testimony was filmed for the Resilient Women’s Conference in 2010 and still brings tears to my eyes.

Joyia, you were an angel among us and will certainly be missed. Courtney, Journi, Lyric and the rest of your spiritual family will see you soon at our Father’s House.

Joyia Testimony Web from Victory Videos on Vimeo.

Desires of the Heart

I can honestly confess that I am a hopeless optimist. On the surface, I tend to be a realist but underneath it all, I tend to really hope and believe that our wildest dreams and desires can actually happen. Psalm 37:3-4 tells us to “Trust in the LORD, and do good; dwell in the land, and feed on His faithfulness. Delight yourself also in the LORD, and He shall give you the desires of your heart.” I believe that whole heartedly. I believe that God knows the things that we secretly desire like marriage, children, to be significant in life. What I find interesting is the fact that sometimes God gives us desires that we never planned on having.

For the past couple of weeks, God has been stirring up desires in my heart that I could never even fathom on my own. Desires for more children, to be in full time ministry, and even leaving the work force to pursue His will for my life wholeheartedly. For someone who has been a mom since 17 then again at 25, having more children is one of those things that really scares the life out of me. It’s really one of the hardest jobs on Earth and starting all over again just never appealed to me. I have just recently settled on the idea of getting married in the future so the newly tendered desire to leave behind the security of making my own money leaves me a little speechless. I regularly pray for my future husband and continually ask God to align my heart with His will especially in this area. The more I pray, the more light He sheds on what my future will look like.

It’s overwhelming to say the least.

I was having one of my talks with God about marriage and the future, trying to figure out what type of man could possibly be a fit for me. My standard is certainly not a worldly standard and the more I draw near to Christ, the more I desire for a husband who is just as devoted to Him as I am. The more responsibility and leadership authority I attain makes me question whether or not there is someone who will even remotely understand that my heart lies with leading a generation of 20 somethings to the Kingdom and reaffirming the love of the Father in the  hearts of women. He settled my worries by impressing upon my heart the promise that He knows the desires of my heart for security, provision, and godly leadership in a husband. I laughed to myself when I settled into the idea that I don’t have to shy away from where God has called me because He is preparing someone for me who is walking along the same path.

He knows me so well.

No matter how overwhelming these new desires or old ones seem, being fearful of God’s will is an irrational fear. I know that anything that is of God is not a mistake. Proverbs 3:5-6 says “Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not into your own understanding, in all ways submit to Him, and He will make your paths straight.” The more I try to make sense of what God is doing in my life and in my heart, there more I allow my own fears and insecurities to try to choke the seeds that God has planted.

He knows the plan He has for me….and it is good.

Will You Let Me Drown?

In your ocean, I’m ankle deep
I feel the waves crashin’ on my feet
It’s like I know where I need to be
But I can’t figure out, yeah I can’t figure out

Just how much air I will need to breathe
When your tide rushes over me
There’s only one way to figure out
Will you let me drown, will you let me drown

Hey now, this is my desire
Consume me like a fire, ’cause I just want something beautiful
To touch me, I know that I’m in reach
‘Cause I am down on my knees, I’m waiting for something beautiful.

I hung out with my kid tonight since we both needed a break from reality to just be goofy for a while. We went to his favorite restaurant (Golden Corral…growing teenagers need variety) and saw a movie.  As we walked to the parking lot to the car, I started to feel overwhelmed. Not even sure why. When I started the car, Needtobreathe’s song “Something Beautiful” started playing.

As I drove out of the parking lot listening to the song, I kept getting the vision of me standing backwards on the edge of a cliff. If I took one step forward, I would be safe and secure on solid ground. If I took one step backwards, I would fall backwards into the ocean below.

I stretched my arms out wide, closed my eyes and took a step backwards. Recklessly abandon. No second guessing. Just took a step backwards, not knowing how I would survive since I can’t swing.

All the air escaped my lungs and I could barely breathe.  Felt like I was having an anxiety attack.

Tears welled up in my eyes as I tried to hold my composure as my kid sang along to the song next to me, unaware that I felt like I was drowning.

Will You let me drown?