“But he said to me, ‘My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.’ Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me.” 2 Corinthians 12:9
For the longest time, I have always believe that what Jesus said in this verse is true. His grace is sufficient for me. His death was sufficient for me. His resurrection and promise of eternal life and abundant blessings is sufficient for me. All that He is and all that He will be is sufficient for me to navigate through life. Jesus alone is enough.
Right now, I am in the midst of the Beth Moore Breaking Free bible study, along with some of my amazing women leaders. This is my second time doing this study so I was prepared for a fresh awaking of some new junk that I may have been dealing with. But then, one simple question made me come face to face with a reality I would have much rather had kept hidden.
“Is your soul, your spirit, your own inmost place, the real you entirely satisfied with Christ?”
No, it isn’t.
Life has a way of showing us that despite what the Bible said, despite what we know is true, sometimes, Jesus is not enough. He does not satisfy those areas of our hearts that are deep with longing. Yes, the thought of spending eternity with my Savior can spark an overflow of joy in my spirit. However, the reality of these empty spaces in my heart keep me from living in that overflow.
I never expected the Holy Spirit to remind me that those tender spots that were there before, are still there. Father wounds, the longing for marriage, emotional healing. These were the empty spaces that had yet to be filled by Jesus. I could freely surrender so may other parts of my life to Him with no hesitation. But those areas, I kept for myself, tucked away behind smiles, leadership positions and the excuse of being busy, in Jesus name.
It is hard to admit that I’m in this place where my soul is not entirely satisfied with Jesus. The words almost choked me as I confessed them out loud. I am the master of wearing brave faces so this level of vulnerability screamed to stay hidden. As the words stumbled out and I fought back tears, I knew that a stirring was happening in my heart. I knew that a level of grace was blanketing that moment. I knew that no matter how broken and undeserving I felt, Jesus would not leave me there.
“You will find Me in the longing.”
Words that He spoke to me so many months ago, finally made sense.
As I long to be married, to maybe have more children, to fully grasp the concept of God the Father, to see the beauty in intimacy, I ultimately long to be fully satisfied by and fully surrendered to Jesus. Despite the lies that tell me otherwise, He is enough. He is sufficient. His longing for me runs deeper than any longing I can ever feel for any person or thing on this Earth. My prayer is that I can one day soon say the same for my longing for Christ. I will find Him in the longing.